I’ve been reading on the beach and learning much from what I have read. In How to Solve Our Human Problems Geshe Kelsang Gyatso proposes that there is no situation so bad that it cannot be accepted patiently, with an open, accommodating, and peaceful heart.
Reading this book caused me to take a look at my inner landscape. I have dealt with a large number of major issues in my life but not all. I experience anger less often than I have in the past because I tend to look at the big picture and ask myself how important is this? The answer is usually “not very” as emotions change and those things that evoked anger in me were really small when viewed close up. Sadly, there are still occasions when I don’t pause and ask myself that critical question.
Family Chaos Connection
Psychologists say people who are easily angered have a low tolerance for frustration, meaning they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. Their reasearch reveals family background plays a role, as typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications. They wisely advise that logic defeats anger, because even when it’s justified, anger can quickly lead to becoming irrational.
I come from such a family background and have lashed out at people in pain, people who were simply suffering as I was. That’s why I am addressing the issues that trigger my anger in cognitive therapy and art therapy and I have made progress. I am striving to accept what is, without clinging to attachments and flying into combat mode. I have slipped and fallen more than once, and been compelled to re-learn the lesson that the antidote to anger is patience, so this book is a timely read for me.
In his book Geshe Kelsang Gyatso quotes the eighth century Buddhist saint Shantideva:
There is no evil greater than anger,
And no virtue greater than patience.
Therefore, I should strive in various ways
To become familiar with the practice of patience.
When things go wrong in our life and we encounter difficult situations, we tend to regard the situation itself as our problem, but in reality whatever problems we experience come from the side of the mind.
If we responded to difficult situations with positive or peaceful mind they would not be problems for us. Eventually we might even regard them as challenges or opportunities for growth and development.
Problems arise only if we respond to difficulties with a negative state of mind. Therefore, if we want to be free from problems, we must transform our mind.
In reality, problems do not exist outside the mind, and most of our emotional problems are nothing more than a failure to accept things as they are. I accept this and acknowledge that circumstances or other people have no power to make me feel anything; the most they can do is trigger painful feelings arising from delusions that already exist within my own mind. And, by controlling my mind, it is possible to eliminate suffering by denying the power delusions have over me.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. — Buddha
Anger is a form of violence, and when I become angry I harm both myself and others. Anger is not a substitute for logic and reason. It’s my childish response to frustration that is triggered when I’m in a low state of self-awareness. I’m struggling to use cold hard logic when I feel the physical sensations of anger arising. I’m struggling to be mindful that life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. I can’t change that; but I can change the way I let such events affect me.
The Patient Mind
In How to Solve Our Human Problems, the Geshe points to this: a patient mind is able to step back from the situation to see how best to deal with it without saying or doing something will give rise to regret. A patient mind is a mind that is able to accept whatever occurs, and patience is much more than just tolerance. Being patient occurs after we have given up attachments to our belief that things should be other than what they are. But patient acceptance does not mean that we do not take practical steps to improve our situation. If we can, of course, we should.
Everyone can benefit from learning alternatives to getting angry and this little book is packed with wisdom. Part One presents Buddha’s Four Noble Truths. Part Two is a detailed explanation of how we can develop and maintain patience when faced with even the most difficult circumstances.
Discussion
How skilled are you when it comes to dealing with frustration that may trigger your anger?
Are you struggling to learn patience, become more accomodating and develop a peaceful heart?
catbrook
August 24, 2011
Hi timethief,
It’s really interesting to read your thoughts on this book. We studied it in my meditation class (a Madhyamaka centre in York) so I’m familiar with it and it’s great to read this as a reminder.
It’s so true that problems don’t exist outside of the mind. Things just are as they are. There is a situation and then there is our reaction to it. It’s our reaction – our resisting, judging, denying, rejecting – that causes the suffering. Learning this is an incredible gift and one that I don’t believe is possible to learn under normal circumstances.
I’ve just come across your blog and it really resonates with me. I’m recovering from CFS using similar approaches (meditation, yoga, nutrition, cultivating positive mental states…) It’s a rewarding journey and your blog captures it fantastically. It must take an incredible amount of work and effort for you to do this (especially while ill) but I imagine it is a labour of love!
Keep it up, wishing you all the best on your journey,
Cat
timethief
August 26, 2011
Hi Cat,
I’m so glad my blog and this post resonate with you. We do appear to have many common interests and pursuits. In fact our circumstances are shared as well.
This statement of yours resonates with truth: “It’s our reaction – our resisting, judging, denying, rejecting – that causes the suffering.” I have witnessed my own attempts to escape reality. I have a long-standing pattern of suppressing anger and now I’m learning skillful means . Best wishes to you with your blog. I love your images and have become a subscriber.
nothingprofound
August 24, 2011
Great post, TT, and very timely. I passed through an angry period in my early 20s when I felt oppressed by society and its onerous expectations of me. I eventually realized that the struggle was inside me and really had nothing to do with society at all. Since then I’ve lived my life in my own way, have experienced very little frustration and, consequently, rarely get angry except when I feel the occasion legitimately calls for it. On those occasions I don’t flare up and lose my temper but try to express my concerns as calmly and constructively as possible.
Hope you are well!
timethief
August 26, 2011
Hi Marty,
I wish I had learned the life lesson you learned earlier but I didn’t. I was raised in chaos and as the eldest child I was a target for a great deal of anger. I was held responsible and accountable for all the words and actions of my siblings as I had the role of being “little mother” in a family where the real mother was very ill and frequently unable to parent. In addition my father worked away from home. At this age we all know now that my mother suffered from mental illness and the adults in my family were ashamed. They failed to help her get the medical assistance she needed and they ignored that state of affairs we kids were raised in. Domestic abuse ruled and reigned in our home but unlike most homes it was not our father who perpetrated the violence. My mother abused us and there was no one there to stop her from doing so. My father who worked away became became a withdrawn acoholic when at home and my mother had bouts of acting out when he wasn’t there. I coped by replacing my mother in our home and raising my younger siblings while suppressing my own anger. That anger turned inward towards myself when I coudn’t prevent the abuse, which in turn, triggered bouts of depression. Now that I have awakened to that dynamic in my deep past, I know what triggers anger in me, and I’m learning some life skills that are standing me in good stead. I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders.
Jean
August 31, 2011
I had no idea about this past history. By coincidence I had a mother who was a housewife her whole life and raised 6 kids. Father was away for 2 years at job where he could only commute on weekends. We were too poor to have a car at that time.
Unlike your father, he is a good husband, father in the sense, he is even-tempered, etc. But mother has a fiery temper. I’ve always wondered if life was different for her past her Gr. 10 high education education, she..would have become abit like one of her daughters: she has a naturally mathematical and technical mind. Is a fighter.
She is angry and tries to control/direct her adult children’s lives. Sad thing she lost one of them recently.
So her temperment angers me ..especially now that my father has prostate cancer.
However there is also a complicating factor…language barrier since she doesn’t speak/understand alot of English. And same for Chinese for her children, grandchildren.
So elements of trust, etc. carry powerful importance or get super magnified.
timethief
September 16, 2011
Jean,
I’m so sorry I missed replying to your comment. I don’t know how that happened. I could have sworn I did reply so now I’m concerned that I may be becoming forgetful.
I comprehend exactly why you mean by your mother’s fiery temperament and desire to control. People who desire to control are both fear-filled and unsympathetic people. My dad has passed on and he too had prostrate cancer.
lifewith4cats
August 24, 2011
I strongly agree with your statement that starts “In reality, problems do not exist outside the mind, and most of our emotional problems are nothing more than a failure to accept things as they are” To understand this… is to become free indeed.
timethief
August 26, 2011
Hello there,
Realization is only the first step. The second is identifying triggers. The third is learning new thoughts and skills. Our thought patterns are ingrained and lead to automatic responses when triggered. Changing my thought patterns has been a struggle but it most assuredly can be done. I’m still learning but I have already made progress. Rather than being pessmistic, defensive and withdrawn, my outlook is becoming more optimistic every day. I’m opening up more and more and using what I have learned ie. skillful means for dealing with frustration and anger in to live a more consicious life.
winsomebella
August 24, 2011
Many pearls of wisdom I glean from this, but especially enjoyed “life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. I can’t change that; but I can change the way I let such events affect me.” Thanks.
timethief
August 26, 2011
G’day to you winsomebella,
The sentence you quote is an accurate statement of reality and having accepted it I’m now able to make different choices when it comes to my responses to adverse circumstances and events. I’m changing the way I respond to frustration, annoyance and anger one step at a time. I’m still struggling to establish new patterns of thought and actions but I can now witness light at the end of the tunnel.
sprigblossoms
August 24, 2011
TT, always such a pleasure to read you here :) Yes anger does loom its burning head in me from time to time. Esp true for those nagging issues in life, where my patience finally gives way to anger. I have come to realize that I don’t like to burn in anger, hate how that leaves me feeling. Also I once attended a Buddhist gathering, where the speaker had stressed how ‘one virtue can negate many a shortcoming’. For me that virtue is ‘compassion’, and being/becoming my compassionate self.
I love your writings, TT! and I will visit you here for more :)
timethief
August 26, 2011
@sprigblossoms,
Like you I don’t like the slow burn choosing anger leads to nor do I like the affect it has on my mental and physical health. It’s not a healthy choice and I’m so glad I comprehend that now. Neuroplasticity is a precious gift and learning how to use it to become more patient and compassionate opens the door to healing. Thanks so much for sharing that quote: ‘one virtue can negate many a shortcoming’ I appreciate it.
P.S. I love your aphorisms and I’m pleased you like what I write about and will return to read more.
Steve
August 24, 2011
Hiya TT,
‘Being patient occurs after we have given up attachments to our belief that things should be other than what they are. ‘
perfect
for many recent reasons
take care
Steve
timethief
August 26, 2011
Hi Steve,
Ineed until we awaken we don’t comprehend we have been thinking and behaving like control freaks who feel offended when things don’t go the way we want them to. I have some strong attachments that have kept me in chains for years. I have every egcentricity there is. Now I’m severing the fetters of the chains in the mind that bind me to self-protective, self cherishing that leads to anger, and in my case depression. Learning how to accept things as they are and develop patience and compassion is not easy, but every time I practice letting go of my attachments it becomes easier to make that choice again.
Best wishes to you.
Sandra Pawula
August 24, 2011
timethief ~ You’ve captured the essence of the Buddhist teachings on anger and patience so beautifully. Love is another antidote to anger.
Frustration and anger have been a lifelong challenge for me too as I grew up in a similar background. I’m far from perfect but – with understanding and awareness – I am so much better in handling anger and frustration than in my previous year. I’m so grateful for teachings like this that light the way.
This the profound > “Being patient occurs after we have given up attachments to our belief that things should be other than what they are.”
timethief
August 26, 2011
Hi Sandra,
I believe many of us were brought up in a home where chaos prevailed and hostility reared its ugly head repeatedly. I acknowledge that love is the ultimate antidote to anger and all else that ails us, but I don’t yet love myself enough to love everyone else too. I’m a work in progress like you. I’m just not as far along the path as you are, and like you I am grateful for teachings that point the way to living a conscious life.
“Whether we will be able to achieve world peace or not, we have no choice but to work towards that goal. If our minds are dominated by anger, we will lose the best part of human intelligence – wisdom, the ability to decide between right and wrong. Anger is one of the most serious problems facing the world today.” — The 14th Dalai Lama in A Human Approach to World Peace
edgecrosser
August 24, 2011
This is another very helpful topic you shared. It was 6 years ago when I started to write my frustrations in a notebook in a poem or verse-like. Then several months later when I read back those notes, I always stunned myself with a thought “I was frustrated or angry this way?” With that I realized that all things change in time and being so disappointed or angry with things and people is a complete waste of energy and time. I stopped that habit after 2 years. To be completely careful of what I say is one thing I considered most not to trigger my emotions. I learned to accept things as it come and go, from people to things and situations and with that I can sleep anytime I want. Thank you again TT.
timethief
August 26, 2011
@edgecrosser,
It’s so interesting that your journaling experience parallels my own. Reading about your progress is strong encouragement for me to continue and I’m grateful that you chose to share here. Thanks so much for doing that. I’m still journaling my thoughts and responses to what is. My journal contains conversations I have with myself and reading earlier entries has been of great benefit to me. The art therapy exercises I’m doing are also self-revealing and very useful. I have wasted so much energy and time angrily resisting what is. I’m no longer willing to invest in being angry. Anger harms. Patience and love heal. I’m developing enough self-love and confidence to be with what is; to use logic to pacify myself; and to use skillful means to address what annoys and frustrates me.
Janene Murphy
August 25, 2011
It’s funny, I think I became more patient when I had kids and things became MORE chaotic! Actually, I’ve always been a pretty patient person — and I came from a ‘patient’ household, too. Go figure! Like you, when I get frustrated and are conscious enough of my emotions to take a step back, I realize that the drama isn’t worth it. Sometimes the hardest part is letting go of unnecessary feelings. It’s a skill worth working on.
timethief
August 26, 2011
Hi Janene,
You’re right when you say the drama is never worth it. I have had a couple of friends I’m choosing to let go with love, as they have a strong addiction to creating drama that I can no longer accept. I have witnessed your ability to remain patient in tryng circumstances and use wit and wisdom effectively. It’s so good to know you and I’m so happy that you choose to be my friend.
Unga Bunga Girl
August 29, 2011
Hey timethief,
Interesting post. Anger is a powerful emotion. I believe that, at times, anger is to live a short life span and yield action in place of passivity. But, I also agree it needs the antidote of patience but sometimes only after it lights a fire under one’s ass.
Cathy
timethief
August 30, 2011
Hello there Cathy,
Yes anger can ignite. Sometimes short lived anger can be a motivator but unless we are focused on using it wisely to make a transition to act in a postive way it can poison us and immbolize us. I have found I need to acknowledge my anger and examine the source of my resistance to change and attachment to specific outcomes. When I do that I’m able to quell my clinging to the notion that things ought to go my way and simply be with what is. When I let go I can achieve the transition to positivity. If I don’t let go I remain negatively focused.
Invisible Mikey
August 30, 2011
Thank you so much for recommending this book, and explaining some of the ideas contained. Rather than comment further, I’m going to read it.
timethief
August 31, 2011
Thanks for reading and commenting Mikey. It’s a short and simply book with much wisdom between the covers.
Theresa H Hall
August 31, 2011
TiTi,
This is your most refined and definitive post I have had the pleasure of reading. Simply put … your best effort thus far. You go deep and you presented all sides of this beautifully.
timethief
September 1, 2011
Thank you Theresa.
pbscottt
September 2, 2011
I find I don’t have much energy to get angry these days or to shout at people. When I am on a tight schedule I sometimes get a bit frustrated at people slowing me down, but most of the time I am pretty peaceful.
It is strange, one of my English students in Korea came to me with a question a decade and a half ago, they asked me if Mad and Crazy were the same thing, as their Korean to English dictionary said it was. I was a bit stunned, I wanted to tell them they were different, but really they are not. Since that day, I began to believe Mad and Crazy are the same thing indeed, and that my anger was really just my problem.
timethief
September 3, 2011
Hi there,
I have never been a person who shouted. I suppressed anger it it would come out now and then when I sniped at people who annoyed me. Now I’ve learned not to allow my perceptions and emotions control me. It’s really “all in our minds” and now I’m awake and conscious in most cases I am able to let go of expectations because I no longer generate the thoughts that lead me to become angry.
Aurora
September 8, 2011
I love your pages. Will be back for more. Such wisdom the world needs to know. I grew up as you did and am learning that, loving people is easy, setting heatlhy boundaries and not tolerating abuse is the difficult part because it is often seen as “not loving” when we will not accept such things. Still, like you, I am a work in progress and am sure I will be so until I finish my “earth walk.” Thank you for the pleasant reading and writing.
timethief
September 8, 2011
Hi Aurora,
It’s good to meet you. Thanks so much for the kind words about my blog. I appreciate them.
Team Oyeniyi
September 11, 2011
I think I can safely say I come from such a family background. I was unaware that the experts say this can lead to a lack of patience, for I am certaintly not a patient person. On the other hand, I do not believe I am easily angered but I know that once I am angered, I can be VERY angry.
A very interesting article, which I have shared and hope my daughter (struggling wth anger issues currently) may find equally interesting.
timethief
September 16, 2011
Dear Robyn,
I just found several comments I failed to approve and two of yours was among them. I’m so sorry about the delay. Well as the old adage goes what doesn’t kill us makes us strong and patience is a lesson I’m learning. We can control our thoughts and that’s what I’m learning to do. I hope your daughter will gain somethng from reading my article. Thank you for thinking well enough of it to reconmmend it to her.
Team Oyeniyi
September 17, 2011
Trust me, I am SO behind on reading I feel terrible – so an unpublished comment is the very least of my worries at the moment! Mel is away at the moment, but when she gets back I will check with her. I know she did check it out, but it was as she was getting ready to go away.
timethief
September 17, 2011
I’m still behind but I’m slowly catching up so thanks for being gracious.