Last winter one of my male friends who suffered from depression committed suicide. It was a devastating loss and all around me I heard words uttered that indicated we have lost the wisdom of the ages and have replaced it with claptrap and cliches.
In times gone by grieving was expected and supported, but these days many think we must work to distract ourselves from pain and suffering. Well, that’s what my friend’s wife attempted to do. After her husband’s suicide, she took the advice of her family members and attempted to lose herself in her work .
To me hearing her relatives telling her to ‘ get on with her life’ and ‘ go back to work — it’ll be good for you,’ after such a profound loss was heartless, but they sincerely believed their advice was sound.
Why is this? Impermanence is a reality.
Why are we advised to escape grief? Could it be fear?
All a grieving person needs is another person with a listening ear and an open heart and mind — a friend, who will encourage them to speak their truth and share what they are feeling. We are always uncomfortable when we witness pain and suffering. We fear that we won’t have what it takes to provide support to someone who is grieving. Also discussion of another person’s death is discomforting because it makes us re-examine our own lives and consider our own deaths, which we also fear.
Grief is itself a medicine. — William Cowper
So last winter when my friend was working as many hours as she could, I was online and grieving my friend’s death. I found other people who were suffering from losses too. Some were going through major life changes (relationship breakdowns and relocation), and others were suffering from grief associated with the death or disappearance of someone from their lives.
After I experienced the first waves of pain and sorrow I became emotionally paralyzed, which is to say that I shut down my feelings. I hurt too much so I chose unconsciously to become numb. Then time passed and I entered a period where I did want to share my misery, and I’m glad to say that I found others with the same need. I really don’t know what I would have done without them. I love them for the loving kindness they extended to me. We formed an unofficial ‘grief group’ and sharing there became a source of returning strength and rebirth.
I began to paint daily and spontaneously. I used art as a form of therapy throughout the grieving process. I also played my drum and chanted, and in the third month following my friend’s death I went to the Elders and undertook a vision quest. Months later I recognized that the grieving process had been completed.
I came to know the following were truths:
- You can postpone grief but you can’t avoid it;
- unresolved grief can evolve into physical ailments, pain, and stress;
- unresolved grief will re-emerge the next time someone you love dies;
- natural disasters that involve death can bring up feelings of grief;
- tapping into your creativity can help in your grief process;
- your conscious intentional approach to grief work will teach others to do the same;
- most grievers need help and support;
- grieving the loss of a loved one sometimes evokes concerns about our own deaths.
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. — Henri Nouwen
Time is the here and the now moment and it’s my experience that the passage of time does not heal all wounds. I know my girlfriend, who will be visiting me soon, is still angry at her husband for killing himself. I know his act left her feeling abandoned and depressed. I believe when she commemorates the anniversary of his death that bringing her hurt feelings into the open may provide a possibility of her forgiving him and ending her suffering. I want to ask my friend to share her feelings about her husband’s suicide with me. What do you think?
And yet, perhaps this is one way to finally overcome our grief and sense of loss; that in the end, what will matter more is not their departure from our lives, but the impact, the difference, they’ve made to it. That’s not to say the pain would be any less or difficult; rather, that perhaps this may be that light at the end of the tunnel that allows us to make peace with this loss. –Saying goodbye to loved ones
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there are many ways to deal with grief. all you have to do is determine “your way” and never let anyone impose the “right way” on you. sooner or later, it should be dealt upon. harboring pain is never good anyway.
a very touching post, I must say. beautiful.
@Carol
Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it.
Excellent, thoughtful, and necessary post. One can only hope that she will come to you at some point in the near future, to face and share her anger and grief. If she doesn’t break down that wall, the weight of it is sure to topple in on her, eventually.
I like the quotes you have chosen, and your post contains much-needed wisdom. In American culture especially, we are always looking for the quick fix. When a quick fix proves not to be a real solution, the destructive, self-deluding behaviors catch up to us.
.-= Lynda Lehmann´s last blog ..Country Dreams =-.
@Lynda
I’m so glad you picked you on what I was pointing to in my post. We have become and instant gratification society and when faced with painful lengthy processes we ply each other with “get back to work” platitudes that ring hollow. Grieving isn’t a linear process we move between the stages in the cycle from day to day and even from hour to hour.
Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.
As individuals in this society it’s time that we recognize and provide support for those who have suffered losses throughout the entire duration of their period of mourning. There is a time to grieve and denying that process simply means we become physically, emotionally and even mentally unwell.
Very nice!
You’re right on point with this one, TT.
I can’t tell you how often my problems have been reduced to “You just need to get drunk, dude!” or “You just need to get laid, dude!”
If booze and women were the solutions to my problems… I would have become fully enlightened a long time ago… :-)
And I haven’t really thought about it before… but I agree that creativity is powerful for moving the grieving process along (assuming you are also allowing yourself to grieve)… it seems that taking direct part in the endless process of death and rebirth… by intellectually ‘giving birth’ to something when we have lost someone close to us… we remember that even though this may be very painful, it is all ‘part of the game’.
As for your friend… I assume she is close enough to you to handle your sincerity… and I encourage you to encourage her to open up about her feelings. She may not appreciate it at first… but when she really begins to let those feelings go… she will be very relieved.
keep smiling,
Ben
.-= Benjamin´s last blog ..A Course in Miracles… Day 5 =-.
@Benjamin
My friend was very happy I called and she’s now open to discussing her husband’s death. She’s joined a grief group and her grieving process is underway so I let her know I can be a good listener and I do believe that she will share some of her process with me during her visit.
So hard to know what to do. Everyone handles loss in their own way and I don’t think a right way exists. Some people talk about the tragedies in their life, some don’t. I think you should respect your friend’s silence and only talk about it if she brings it up. Be sympathetic, listen to her complaints and regrets, but don’t give advice unless she asks for it.
.-= nothingprofound´s last blog .. =-.
@nothingprofound
My friend is no longer silent. She is now opening up and I’m convinced that our visit will create an opening for even greater openness that I’m prepared to support her through. Thanks for your very sage advice.
The one good thing I got out of Vietnam was that it forced to me come to terms with death and not death.
Lesson One. Dead is as old as you can get.
Lesson Two. You don’t have time to think about Lesson One
Lesson Three. It is not how you die but how you live. Make a positive impact on the world around you and your death will make a positive impact. Leave life with a lot of unfinished business and your death will become part of that unfinished business.
Lesson Four. Survivor guilt is very real. Don’t underestimate it. Trust me on that one.
Lesson Four. Keubler-Ross will not be denied, but neither should it be delayed. Understand it is okay to accept death and to learn from it. That’s what it is there for.
.-= Windroot´s last blog ..A Seperate Reality =-.
@windroot
The good news is that my friend is working through her anger issues. I have talked long distance to her and discovered that she has joined a grief support group. I’m so glad that she did because the group support I received saw me through the whole grieving process.
In grief, one of the most difficult emotions to break through is anger. This is particularly true in situations where a person dies tragically or by their own hands. Anger is not a bad emotion or the wrong response (as some believe) yet we often feel compelled to suppress it at any cost in an effort to portray our ability to handle things. That just keeps a lid on all the hurt and pain that is beneath it and delays healing. So I would say, by all means, go ahead and talk to your friend about this, particularly since the first anniversity of her husband’s death is upon you both. To not speak of it, given the timing and your concern, would be a glaring omission in your friendship. I am sorry for the loss you both have endured and hope that whatever you discuss leads you both to a place of greater understanding and peace. cgn
.-= Cindy´s last blog ..Creativity and Aging =-.
@Cindy
I intend to celebrate all the good memories he left. We had both happy and sad times together and there are many memorable moments like snapshots in a 30 year long slide show that I have been viewing. Perhaps simply referring to some of these these moments will be a icebreaker for my friend.
Support is so key when someone’s going through the process of grief. Personally I don’t think that our society allows enough time for the process, either, but that’s another matter. It’s a good idea to let someone know that you’re there for them if you need them. Some people may be too used to keeping things in or not reaching out, but if you make your availability known in a clear & genuine way, they may end up taking you up on it.
.-= Lana´s last blog ..Boardwalk at Northlake & News =-.
@Lana
Once again you and I are on the same page. Thanks so much for bolstering my confidence.
@Lana
Time has passed so quickly since I published this post last week. In between I have have had a heart to heart long distance talk with my friend and she’s ready to open up and talk about her feelings when she visits. I’m feeling so much better about the first universality of this death now. There are some many good memories that we can recall and I consider each one to be the legacy he left us.
I’m just thinking out loud . . the reason I often don’t share my painful feelings with others is because I don’t want to burden them, make them uncomfortable, be a bore, etc.
I imagine this is pretty common.
Maybe you could take her hands in yours, thoughtfully gaze into her eyes and make it very clear to her that you would consider it a gift to be allowed to walk that path with her, whether it be today or in a year from now . . . should she be willing to walk it with you. Then, leave it alone.
Just a thought . .
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
.-= Marie´s last blog ..A step into the world of autism =-.
@Marie
Thanks for reading and posting in with your advice. I’m pretty much decided on opening the door to talking about our loss, and letting her make the choice to share her feelings with me or not.
You are so right! Suppressed emotions lead to physical ailments. But it is hard for those who habitually tend to bury their feelings, and I think men have more of a tendency to do this. I know someone who is dear to me who suffers from this. I mean, he suppresses his pain. I don’t know how exactly to convince him because if you are not in touch with your feelings, if you deny the pain, there is no question of grieving.
.-= Nita´s last blog ..Don’t be afraid of old age! =-.
@Nita
I have learned that the only way to live with pain and still have a life worth living is to acknowledge it rather than denying it and pretending it does not exist. I have learned how to be with and in the pain and that lesson is not one that’s an easy lesson to learn. It’s astonishing and definitely wrong that we are taught to evade, deny and overrule pain. Stoicism does not result in personal growth and being in the pain does. Just “being” wholly in touch with what’s going on in your own body ought to be what every one of us is encouraged to do. Setting aside medical treatments and pharmaceuticals, we are our own healer and we cannot heal that which we do not acknowledge exists.
Getting over the loss of a loved one is a matter of time and being patient with yourself and knowing that what you’re going through is normal and natural. Other primates and some mammals have been observed grieving.
With your friend, when you feel the time is right make sure you talk about your feelings, and she may talk about hers. Don’t push it if she doesn’t feel up to it.
.-= ian in hamburg´s last blog ..To the holocaust deniers: come to Buchenwald =-.
It’s been a year and I do think that it’s time for us to speak about this death. I will be sensitive and simply open the door so a heartfelt exchanges can take place if she so chooses.
However, I beg to differ with the idea that time heals all wounds. It’s my experience that it doesn’t. It’s also my experience that we are our own healers. Where a wrong has been done or it is perceived to have been done the hurt that may be below the surface can be “frozen in time”, so to speak.
In this case my friend believes her husband did her wrong. She is an only child whose parents have passed and she has no strong connections to her remaining but distant family members. She feels angry at her dead husband for abandoning her and abandonment is one of the most serious issues we humans face.
I hope that by opening the door and making it clear that I’m prepared to be an active listener my friend may be able to allow the pain and suffering she has been denying to surface and to acknowledge her loss.
I am also prepared for her to say “I don’t want to talk about it” and accept that graciously.
Cassy and I have both lost friends to suicide. In fact, I contemplated it for many years myself. It’s a profound thing to look death in the face and realise that perhaps you’d rather stay breathing, despite all the pain.
No one can help you when you’re grieving, and that’s especially true when they’re filling the air with words that mean nothing to you. They mean well, but it’s not helpful at all. It’s almost like we daren’t grieve any more… there’s no time, and one should just soldier on, shouldn’t one?
This kind of thinking is especially obvious in Christian circles where one must “claim the victory” over their corn flakes in the morning, or don’t bother going out the door at all. If you can’t confidently cover over every conceivable aspect of life with the blood of Jesus, then don’t bother calling yourself a Christian. There’s no place for grief at all because it’s treated almost like a blasphemy in and of itself. Did not Jesus weep? The shortest verse in the Bible says he did, and that’s before he fixed the situation that he was grieving over. Hmmm…
Life is full of many things, and there will come a time when we’ve experienced them all. Living is not nearly so linear as people pretend it to be… it’s a messy business and we rarely get anything right. That’s what life is. We laugh, we cry. We live and eat and drink, for tomorrow we die. And we make beautiful art about it all.
Cass and I went through our own grieving process when we finally decided to lay down the dream of having children. TT, I hope you won’t mind if I draw your attention to our latest post on Trottersville where Cass talks about all of that. I trust that you might find it to be an interesting read, but more than that, to be of some small comfort to you during this time. And yes, I am aware of the exquisite irony of us filling your pain with more words. :P
Nevertheless, for what it’s worth, you are in our thoughts. And that’s because we hold you in no small esteem. :)
.-= Tony Single´s last blog ..Infertile, Not Dead =-.
Thank you so much for your comment Tony. I clicked through and read Cassie’s post and left a comment there. All my best to both of you.
Hey I wanted to leave a comment on this post too earlier today, but my net started acting up suddenly! It’s working fine now, so here’s a link I wanted to share… about my own personal experience regarding depression and what I learnt from it. I was on the verge of completely giving up on life by the way! So it took a lot of will power to make a comeback from that “black hole”! Here… “Failure is Never Final”.
.-= Kaddu´s last blog ..Left Brain Shut-down! =-.