Dating and the double standard – Men always try to get a woman into bed as soon as they can, however, if a man thinks you may be “the one” and if you have sex on the first date, then he may not call back, because he has talked himself out of you being “the one”.
Although a double standard exists on a first date, as far as I’m concerned the rules are the same for men and women.
No excessive drinking. No drugs. No expectation of sex.
There are many reasons why two people connect. Try to follow this advice to make sure your next first date leads to a second one. As important as what to say on a first date, is what not to say.
(1) Keep conversation relatively light and positively focused.
(2) Avoid talking too much about your mutual friends and all the fun you have together. Keep your head in the here and now and be with the person you are actually with.
(3) Draw the other person out by asking questions and when you are questioned answer honestly. Follow the golden conversational rule of using open questions beginning with, how, what, when and why. Avoid closed questions, which elicit yes or no answers. These usually start with the words “Do” and “‘Is” or “Are”.
(4) Be an active listener. An authentic active listener must search for the other person’s meaning by looking for deeper issues, intended meanings, and personal needs as they hear the words the other person is speaking.
Active listening requires that you genuinely focus on the speaker’s words, meanings, and feelings. It means you must first let go of your own ideas, roles, and agendas. If you don’t let go first, then what you “hear” will all be filtered through your own preconceived ideas and assumptions, and you will fail to appreciate and understand what the other person is conveying from their point of view. Worse still you will create a mental construct of a very different person from the one you are actually with.
(5) Avoid talking about your past relationships. Answer any questions honestly but with brevity. Do not name names and do not allocate blame to the ex for the relationship failure. Relationship failures are rarely due to the words and actions of just one party. They usually fail because the couple made the wrong selection of partners in the first place and had unrealistic expectations for the relationship, and/or harbored the idea that they could change the other party to suit them.
(6) Avoid talking about your past sex life. Answer any questions honestly but with brevity. This is a first date and as you have decided that you will not be having sex on a first date, dwelling on discussions about you past sex life with someone else is not a wise thing to do. (See 5 above because it applies here too.)
(7) Avoid appearing to be lacking in self esteem , “needy” and “clingy”. No one wants to date a person who lacks self confidence and who appears to be unable to make decisions and stand on their own two feet.
(8) Avoid becoming overly emotional on any subject. Exhibiting strong emotions can be a real put off to someone who does not know you well. Being overly emotional can also be an indication that you are high maintenance person and/or a drama queen or king.
(9) Allow conversational lapses to occur naturally, without feeling pressured to fill the silence with meaningless chatter.
Good stuff!
Being an active listener as well as having no expectations are pretty good habits for life in general.
Of course, when you really pay attention, and let go of your expectations… “self esteem” arises pretty naturally… on a first date or any other night.
I have only recently married my wife… but we have been together for 5 years… I’ve noticed that when she or I expect specific things at specific times… we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.
It’s more fun to allow life to happen spontaneously… when you’ve just met someone… and when you’re old friends.
Planning is OK… but only when you let all the involved parties in on the plan… :-)
keep smiling,
Ben
Thanks for your comment Ben. I have been married for over 30 years to the same partner. That means I don’t have much experience with dating. However, many of my friends have had relationships that came undone and have gotten into dating again.
Some made the mistake of choosing to discuss their past relationships and sex lives on first dates and that proved to be a mistake. And although I presumed that women would be more inclined to do most of the talking I have been informed that this isn’t so. Two men I spoke to said they had trouble getting a word in sideways and felt like they were being interviewed by chatterboxes.
What you have said about our attachment to plans and disappointment arising from the expectations that go along with that attachment rings true. It’s more by far more enjoyable to be spontaneous.
These are some nice rules, TT. How have you been?
I had the worst summer ever. But autumn is looking great! I hope you are well and happy too.
Aaah dating and memories. :) Those advices are really good specially about being “clingy” and “needy.” I still remember the words my husband said to me when we first met – ..”I love your independence and your confidence…”
The most important thing also is to stay true to yourself and not try to over-impress your date with tall tales. Conversations should be light hearted and fun – the kind that you would want to come back for more. Conversations should be humourful and witty. And also, one should not have too high expectations of the date…after all it’s only a date.
.-= Funkkeejooce´s last blog ..How I got hitched… =-.
I ahree 100% with what you have said. Thanks so much for commenting.
I’ve never been on a date and has never touched a woman! I aim to write a book on love and sex [imagining everything] before I do it!
.-= VIKAS GUPTA´s last blog ..Thieving man caught in JNU hostel, beaten by students: A multimedia report =-.
I sincerely hope you meet a woman whom you befriend and date. Life is much richer when we can see it through the eyes of others whom we are close to, as well as, seeing it through our own eyes.