Constructive aproaches to conquering fear of rejection
On one hand, all humans strongly desire to be considered by others to be capable, competent and lovable. On the other hand, the greatest fears we humans have are the fear of abandonment (rejection) and fear of the unknown.
Fear of rejection is the fear that others will not accept you for who you are, what you believe, and how you act. In society this mindset helps us to maintain the inner checks and balances within our “selves” that lead us to become capable of forming healthy relationships with other independent equals.
If and only if, we are mature we can accept rejection and even learn from it. But if we remain immature we can’t — we are determined to “cling” to fear.
Rejection is like death and taxes: It’s unavoidable.
Don’t take rejection personally.
There are techniques that can be used to conquer the fear of rejection.
Worst case scenario
When a person fears rejection, they are not really not fearing the word “no”, they are fearing imagined or out of proportion consequences of the rejection. Asking the question, “What am I really fearing?” is a good start to overcoming fear of rejection.
So go ahead and imagine the worst case scenario that could take place if you are rejected. Feel all the feelings and then recognize the truth. What you have visualized is an exaggeration of what’s likely to happen.
The central nervous system is set up to protect us from danger and as children we have all been conditioned against making mistakes, including failing to secure approval from others. Since childhood we have labeled all mistakes and rejections as “dangerous” even though they aren’t.
Rather than seeing rejections as stumbling blocks, successful people see them as stepping stones that bring them closer to achieving their goals. They accept every failure as a lesson in how to succeed in the future, and then they make the adjustments required to achieve success. Consequently, willingness to change how we view failures or mistakes is a must for anyone who wishes to conquer the fear of rejection.
Desensitization
Desensitization is a powerful psychological technique. It basically means that you desensitize yourself psychologically to a particular situation by encountering it again and again. One way to overcome a fear of rejection is to deliberately put yourself into situations where you get rejected a lot. By proving to yourself that you can face up to your fears, you will be able to establish and/or regain your personal power, and such situations will no longer have power over you, unless you backslide and give your power away again.
NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming)
Reframing is an NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) technique that also a powerful tool. There is a mechanism in your brain that can be used to make inflexible limiting beliefs or destructive thinking patterns and habits pliable and it’s known as brain plasticity. When your brain plasticity is increased you become able to adapt to new ideas. Once you have mentally detached yourself from the effects of rejection, you will even be able to visualize yourself being blown off without falling apart.
Great article, Timethief–and wonderful advice, as usual. Rejection is a wonderful topic to bring up because no matter who you are, we all deal with rejection. And of course, those of us who are in the arts are often subjected to more rejection than most people, although everyone does deal with it at certain points.
I used to be terrible with rejection. I would take it so personally! One time, after I had gotten a bad review, I pinned it to the lapel of my jacket–I wanted to show everyone the rejection review before they saw it on their own.
I am actually grateful for that early training because now I have quite a thick skin. And of course, it is all about finding balance and the yin and yang of it all: if we didnh’t experience the sadness of being rejected, the joy of acceptance would not be as meaningful!
Take care,
Melinda
Desensitization really does work. Fabulous and well-written post :)
Cool article! Fear is a big antagonist that hinders many great experiences that we could have. We are mainly afraid because we don’t know what to expect or how to deal with the outcome. That’s why I think how you discussed about mentally picturing the worst case scenario really does help. When we are able to overcome and let go, we set ourselves free!
You should check out Evelyn Lim’s post about the story of the wounded child! It totally relates to what you’re talking about.
http://www.attractionmindmap.com/the-story-of-the-wounded-child/
I also like to mention that I LOVE how you talk about neuroplasticity. It’s one of those topics that really fascinates me. Keep up the good writing! (=
Great article. This as just triggered a memory in my mind and would want you to tell me if you agree or disagree with it. At one point I tried to learn a bit of pranic healing which is a healing therapy similar to Reiki but more to do with aura. In that one, they say that negative thoughts or beliefs about something can many times put you in a state where your own negative energy is transmitted to the respective person or situation and have an adverse affect, leading to rejection.
It’s not always true but I have seen it myself that if I really badly want something to happen or want someone to like me, but I am negative or sceptical about it, usually things don’t go well from there on.
Interesting and well written post! From a musical point of view, the techniques are great for performers as well, for whom rejection would come for example in the form of bad reviews after a performance. In addition to exposing yourself to rejection in order to desensitize yourself, I think that exposing yourself to the *possibility* of rejection is important as well. The fear of rejection, or the fear of failure, which for performers can come in the shape of stage fright is often unfounded, and it helps you get rid of the fear of trying to see that even though you *could* fail, you most often don’t.
I am glad to find this, thanks for sharing this useful post!
Life is not easy, and the joy of life is where & when we suffer!
This is an important piece for those of us who have that constant rejection in the career field.
“What does one not fear when one thinks without acting?” The fear of rejection is more painful than rejection. We haven’t the resources to deal with imaginary situations, but we do with real ones. When one is truly in danger, one acts without thinking; one has no time to be afraid. It’s when one imagines terrible things happening that one shudders helplessly and hopelessly. When one is really rejected, when one’s worst fear comes true, one learns that one has the strength and tenacity to live through it, to tunnel through to the other side. Life takes the place of imagination, and one is rescued from one’s fear.
Another journey into the innermost recesses of the human mind. I think everyone has this. The human mind is indeed capable of creation and distruction depending on what thought pattern one nurtures. I see this situation happening in troubled families which leave their scars to children. My aunt is a victim of that. Unwanted, her mom told her why she survived when the other(more beautiful sister) had to pass away. This made her believe she was ugly all her life.She became a guidance counselor at a University helping people cope up with problems.
Nice post. I think almost everyone of us has experienced rejection right. Rejection might hurt us and could be really painful but we should always think that after that pain, we will also gain.
I can’t say that I don’t fear rejection. I think it’s a part of being human. We all want to feel loved and accepted. But I do realize that you can’t please everyone all the time. It’s a fact of life and I can’t beat myself up over that – I just have to accept it.
Fear of rejection can be paralyzing. We all need some good techniques to get past our fear so we can not be held back by our fears.