Everyone who has been through a relationship breakup thinks it was the worst one in history. The truth is that life goes on and if you focus on how badly you’ve been hurt, you will continue to hurt. To recover from a breakup must grieve your loss and learn from it; stop feeling sorry for yourself and be determined and proactive in helping yourself get over it.
This blog is focused on personal growth, personal development, self improvement, and relationships. I believe very strongly that we are our own healers so I seek out information focused on self help.
Recovering from a broken heart means you still have strong feelings and attachments to your ex. It means the breakup was not what you wanted and you are left feeling powerless. Realize the importance of family and friends at this time, and schedule your life so you can avoid contact with your ex former partner.
The relationship is dead and you are alive. Acknowledge that you are in a state of grief due to the loss. You have lost the potential that relationship once held for you and everything and part of you that you invested in it. Take the time to grieve that loss privately, and allow yourself to be with those feelings so you can learn from them.
John Mayer – Dreaming with a Broken Heart – slide show
There are seven stages of grief and they are not experienced in linear fashion. When grieving we move in and out of these stages daily and even hourly. They are: shock and denial; pain and guilt;
anger and bargaining; depression reflection and loneliness; the upward turn; reconstruction and working through; acceptance and hope.
Don’t self medicate with alcohol, food, drug and casual sex. You may think doing so will reduce your emotional pain, but it would only set you up for suffering for longer suffering, not to mention the risk of entering a rebound romance. Go through the grieving process consciously and when you are ready invest your time and energy into stead pursue health, fitness, sports and or hobbies.
Most of all, don’t look at this last relationship as a failure. It’s a chance to assess what you want and need in a relationship and yo improve your relationship skills. Take some time to reevaluate. Then forgive yourself. You can’t change the past, but you can learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. Forgive your ex too so you can cut your loss and focus on coming alive again.
Learn how to function happily as a single person again and avoid getting into a rebound romance. Awaken to the fact that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and that’s alright. Accept your feelings and examine them closely so you can understand yourself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and have more to offer in your next relationship.
Bird
June 15, 2009
This is such a lovely post because it reminds us to be gentle with ourselves yet not run away from our painful experience. A broken heart can come from many things, not just an ended relationship. Thank you for sharing these tools for navigating those difficult experiences.
timethief
June 15, 2009
@Bird
When a relationships fails we lose a person from our lives; a person who played a central role. Some say time heals all wounds but what I have witnessed is that unless or until the person chooses to heal through grieving the loss what occurs is a hardening of the heart, rather than forgiveness. Following through on that thought, we can conclude that a hard heart is all we have to offer in a new relationship when we fail to be proactive in helping our self get over it so we can embrace life again.
Mystic
June 15, 2009
Everyone who has broken up thinks his was the worst one in history and everyone who has loved thinks his was the greatest one in history. :)
OneMorning85
June 15, 2009
I think you’d really enjoy this site: 2knowmyself.com
Seriously, it’s a gem…unlike that cliche’.
ann martin
June 15, 2009
Sadly, this article is relevant to many of our lives. I think many times a breakup or divorce is harder than the death of a loved one because with death, you know the loved one did not choose to leave. Also, with the death of a loved one there is so much support that is offered to the grieving that is simply not available to the person suffering a breakup or divorce. There are no, divorce casseroles and no formal services, no flowers and plants and usually not cards with condolences. Usually, there are no offers of shoulders to cry on or lean on, or at least not long term offers. The world expects the divorcee to “get over it”. It’s kind of cruel. Sad, but true.
Your point of not wallowing in the breakup and taking steps to move ahead is well taken, but the fact remains, there is very little support offered for those suffering divorce or breakup.
Nice article, I enjoyed reading it.
roentarre
June 16, 2009
Your writing emphasises on the self care with a good overall view. The post is therapeutic in a way on its own, helping a mature individual to self reflect and reviewing oneself further.
I like the tip to sell oneself cheap into susbstance abuse and reckless self harming behaviour. Insightful individuals would follow your post closely :)
Shankha
June 16, 2009
Dear Timethief,
Thanks a lot for this post. In our lives, most of us have faced a break-up and living with that. The emotional stages you have mentioned are so true. It happens so regularly at that time.
Only thing is, if you cannot find out the proper answer to the question of yours, the question that comes in mind at first, “why she (he) had to go”, as in the song “Carry Me Like a Fire in your heart”, the pain become timeless.
Thanks a lot for this great post.
irtiza104
June 16, 2009
even though at first it seems like the pain will never go away; the pain eventually fades away. but the important thing is not to cross path with your ex.
your advice about scheduling the day is a good thing to do.
best wishes
irtiza104
Robin Easton
June 16, 2009
Hi dear TT, I love this line you wrote: “Most of all, don’t look at this last relationship as a failure.”
I think this is SO important and key to growth and having more successful relationships in future. Because if we write off the relationship we just left as failure we’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater. AND I would also say that we must not throw away the goodness from any previous relationship. No part need be excluded, done away with or thrown away. There may be parts we eventually forget or don’t need anymore. But I really feel it’s important to take with us anything that was of value, and that may not only be the good things. It might be the lessons we learned from the inappropriate things or pain.
I also like your attitude of being proactive.
Thank you dear TT.
Much love,
Robin
Eric Williams
June 16, 2009
Thank you for the post, especially the John Mayer link. I am also reminded of the saying “It is better to love and lost than to never have loved at all.”
I write articles dedicated to breakups and relationship issues, and I’m glad to have found your blog.
Gopal.G
June 16, 2009
Your last para beginning “Learn how to function happily as a single person again,etc., etc.,” is most true. Realistic appreciation of the situation works wonders to a broken heart, and this process enables the mind to reach normal functioning slowly but surely. Great post indeed.
Nothing profound
June 17, 2009
So much of the suffering we experience in life comes from dependency. The failure to take responsibility for our own happiness. What we call “love” in our culture is more often than not a fostering of this dependency, of the illusion that we are not complete unless we have bound ourselves to another person. The depth of anguish one experiences after a breakup or separation is in proportion to how deeply one is invested in this illusion. So to me the cure for a broken heart is to realize this wholeness in oneself, and bid the other, friend or lover, a fond and tender farewell.
Melinda
June 17, 2009
Timethief,
That’s some great advice you have given people. The thing I appreciated the most was your advice to spend time with yourself–getting to know yourself. This is so important. After my first husband, Michael, died–I remained single for close to 10 years, during which time I concentrated solely on my own personal growth and development in recovery. I got to know and love myself–and finally, after almost 10 years single, I was ready for love–ready for a complete, loving relationship–which I found! I am now happily married and completely in love with my husband. But that time, alone, was so crucial to getting me to this point.
Melinda
Thoughtful Delights
June 19, 2009
thanks a lot Time thief….In fact I was facing such a condition…
once again thanking you….
Khery Sudeska
June 19, 2009
I sincerely with you. Not easy to find people like you, who want to share with other people. I really appreciate it…
Quiet Waters Rise
June 27, 2009
I really enjoyed this post and believe that it can be very helpful to many people going through this situation.
Unfortunately, people dwell on the loss so much because they believe that their significant other and the relationship defines them. I think one of the most important things to realize is that we are what defines ourselves. We are a whole person, even without the relationship, even without the significant other.
That’s quite the journey that we all have to go through, and are still going through — to learn to be happy with and within ourselves; to know who we are and love the person inside. I know that this is a continual journey, but it certainly is an important one.
Your advice is wonderful and brings things back into focus. Loved this post.
Hicham
June 29, 2009
Very well said, TimeThief. In the matter of fact, it’s all about how we understand ourselves and go through the healing process because time don’t heal as much as we do it ourselves.