Be sure that you appreciate
everything you’ve got
And be thankful for the
Little things in life
that mean a lot.
…Author Unknown
Communication
What’s key to the survival of any relationship is open communication, and both active listening and cooperative attitudes, are part of that process. If a wife is not happy, the first person she ought to discuss that with is her husband and vice versa. The only way to be in a position to do this consistently is to talk; not yell, not argue, but talk like civilized people. Setting aside and hour a day without any distractions or interruptions is a good idea. In most cases what will take place is small talk and that lays a strong foundation for the times that heavier discussions take place.
In order to communicate assertively, you must have respect for the other person’s feelings and point of view, even if you don’t agree. You must also be a good listener – empathizing with the other person, letting them finish speaking without interrupting them, and reflecting back what you are hearing from them (active listening).
Compromise
There are small adjustments and compromises we can make can make in our lives in order to make our spouse feel appreciated. This is part of the never ending compromise by both partners that is critical to relationship survival.
Compromise requires:
- A willingness to reach a consensus
- Active listening by both partners
- Practice in the art of negotiation.
Personal expectations and team work
It’s important for couples to share their personal expectations, goals and dreams and learn how to support each other so each partner can achieve as an individual. Marriage involves very real legal and social rights. You are no longer just individuals who happen to love each other. You are a team who faces the world together so it’s equally important to develop shared goals and dreams and achieve them together.
Organize
Don’t work so much to where you’re not spending enough time together as a couple. Put first things first. If you are married then your relationship trumps your career. Happiness in any relationship comes from being happy in partnership. To be happy a couple must learn how to organize their world, the tasks that must be done, and who is responsible for doing them. The more organized the couple is the less stress there is on the relationship.
Small expressions of love
“I love you” is not just a phrase we say to one another. Love is an action word and it can be expressed by doing your share of the work around the house and yard. It can be expressed by picking up a favorite restaurant/fast-food dish on the way home from work as a surprise, doing a special job around the house that your partner usually does, leaving each other little presents and notes in unexpected places, going on dates, and walks together, complementing one another in front of others.
A tip of the hat to Becky Whetstone for inspiring this post. She is a Marriage and Family Therapist, who discusses issues such as how to be mentally healthy, how to date and select mates, have healthy personal and family relationships, and more. Please visit it share your experiences or opinions … or ask for advice — the doctor is in!
Great post!!!
Enjoyed a lot with all the lovelies..
Dosons last blog post..Vision Ecstasy
@doson
I’m happy to hear that you liked it.
In a relationship, little things do matter. As you have mentioned in your post, a small talk, a little adjustment, a bit of reflection, all help a great deal in a relationship. These may seem to be trivial but are actually very significant factors of any relationship. Stressing on these small things build the intimacy between two people and help in building a more satisfying relationship.
@Saif
I think that many people do not realize how important the little things are. As you have said they add up to intimacy. I would like to add that the little things add up to much more than the sum of their parts. When times are tough it’s the intimacy that the partners have created that allows them to “weather the storms” and develop the resilience they need to move forward together. Thanks for your comment.
I think if a marriage has to be “worked”…it might be doomed from the start. So many people marry for the wrong reason, or no reason at all.
Just my opinion, for what it’s worth..
Teresa Silverthorns last blog post..In The Name Of…
@Teresa
I hear you. If both partners are on the same page to begin with and are fully aware of the ingredients for a lasting loving relationship then intimacy is established and no “work” has to be done. Suffice to say that if the reason we are pursuing a relationship is to complete our “self” then we are way off track. Those kind of immature, dependent and clinging relationships are doomed to failure. Until one can function as a self supporting mature individual they have nothing to invest into a relationship and therefore, they should expect no benefit from entering one.
Relationships that succeed are based on mutual attraction, affection, trust, and respect, as well as, the freedom and the support within the relationship for pursuing personal growth. BTW if one has a relationship based on the forgoing then there is no need to “work” at the relationship.
I’m very undemanding of other people and of life. I don’t expect a lot. But I could never feel close to anyone without a lot of free and easy conversation. I love to talk about my life, and I love being with people who love to talk about theirs.
@nothing profound
You sound like a well balanced and happy communicator. best wishes in all your relationships. :)
“Little things mean alot”, yes I totally agree! Great post, thank you TimeThief!!
“They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” – Carl W. Buechner
@Carol
Thanks for reading the post and commenting too. I love the quote!
great post.
i want to say that interruption while talking is a really “mood breaker” and i always get angry when this happens….and it happens a lot.
@iritza
When we feel we have something important to share being interrupted can be very annoying. IMO the best approach is to state up front that we have something to say and we would like to be able to say it without interruption. If that doesn’t work for you then perhaps reversing the process and listening until the other person has finished what they have to say might work.
When you calmly respond to another’s interruptions, they feel important and understood. If you yell or speak rudely to them, they will learn to treat you the same way. Be patient during these annoying interruptions, or you’ll find yourself in a constant state of frustration.
You are absolutely correct Time thief, after 33 years with my wife I can tell you that communication is paramount.
A relationship has its ups and downs and you must be willing to take a step back and look at the reasons why things may have happened, or changed.
Most people react very quickly when something is said or done without thinking about the other person’s point of view.
Think before you speak and ask yourself did you contribute to this action?
@kiefer
My husband and I have been married for almost the same length of time. Yes we too have had our relationship ups and downs. What has kept our love for each other alive is not only the affection we feel for each other but the respect we demonstrate when we communicate openly, honestly and on an ongoing basis. We made a commitment to spend at least an hour every day just chatting without any distrations. That chatting which involves active listening provides a base for times when we must discuss less than happy feelings and less than great circumstances.
Beautiful piece about relationships. I read this and see all the reasons my first marriage failed. I read this and see why my second one is doing so well. I’d like to claim my husband and I practice many if not most of your ideas. The biggest thing is doing the little things with the other person in mind and talking, a lot……
Rebecca
@Rebecca
It’s far roo easy to become callous and uncaring in long term relationships because it’s easy to fall into a pattern of taking each other for granted. For example I’m not a very sentimental person. I’m not into giving and receiving expensive gifts on special days. In fact, the history of such “special” days from my childhood years was a negative one in many cases. When I receive an unexpected little thing on an ordinary day my heart soars because I know I’m well thought of and appreciated, so I reciprocate and we keep our love alive.
It is the little things, isn’t it, rather than the grandiose that truly make a marriage or relationship work. My husband works hard to create the remodeling ideas I suggest for our home. I help him where I can, but try to compliment his efforts by bringing him coffee and making extra special dinners.
And you are so right about communicating with each other. Listening is often more important than speaking. A good listener is a great communicator.
An unexpected bouquet of flowers, a note left where someday you will find it, and a sweet kiss out of the blue. These are little kindnesses which really help when the world is tugging at your soul.
Thanks for the insightful post.
@askcherlock
One of the most thoughtful little things my husband does for me is to make me a morning coffee and leave me alone for an hour until I’m ready to discuss what we will do at work, in the house and on the property during the upcoming day. One of the most thoughtful little things I do for him is to draw him a bath when I know his muscles are sore and aching. These and many other small kindnesses do mean a lot to us and I’m convinced that they are important ingredients in a long term relationship.
Good points. I sometimes think relationships are easier than most people make them out to be. I mean, you just have to stay in love, y’know? My husband & I constantly do little things for each other, we care for each other, we just love each other.
@lana
That’s pretty much the way it is with us too. But it’s not the same way it is for many others who are unhappy and uncommunicative in their relationships. IMO if you are communicating and expressing your love and appreciation in small acts of kindness every day, then you have what it takes to keep the lines of communication open and get through the hard times together. There won’t ever be a need to “work” on a relationship wherein communication and affection are flowing back and forth.
good article that covers most of aspects we need to pay attention to in relationshiop.
love means passion at the very beginning, your lover just seems perfect. but with time flying and you know more about each other, little defects appeared, you have to deal with tough time together, then passion is not enough. my honey and I have been in love for seven years by the end of this month, luckily we still love each other so much and got married last year. btw, he’s my first love.
i do believe that passion brought you together, but there are different rules make your relationship continue.
@Lean
I agree. Passion leads to infatuation and sometimes to love and an enduring relationship but not always. A relationship is like a garden, if your don’t cultivate, water, fertilize and pull weeds eventually the garden plot becomes a jungle.
Little things do mean a lot and most of the time it’s these things that matters most and often taken for granted.
Nice post and as always, well presented.
More power.
@Julius
I truly believe that love is an action word. It’s the small considerate, caring and even funny expressions of loving affection that fertilize our relationships.
Love it, great text, very inspirational, thank you ;)
@maddylane
I’m glad you found value in the post. Thanks for letting me know you appreciated it.
One of the things that can be so difficult about communication in marriage is negotiating (or recognizing) a difference in style or interpretation. Of course, I’m not sure how to illustrate this without giving personal examples from my life, but let’s just say that my husband and I have very different ways of interpreting the same statements. It’s taken us years to figure this out and not to get stuck in some very ridiculous loops where we completely talk past one another.
Figuring this out has been an — ahem — interesting process, though, and one that has made me realize that listening isn’t always as simple as hearing the words. It involves personal history and understanding, too.
@Jennifer
I agree that being in a long term relationship and having it endure is in large part dependent on our willingness to share our very different perceptions and viewpoints and strive to understand them. There have been times in my relationship when I was astonished to find that the two of us were making the same statements but that our interpretations of the meanings of those statements were very different.
Hiya
Great post. Nice reflection upon relationships of all kinds. Communication, compromise, sharing are all important.
I feel that small (and large) gestures of love and appreciation are both the base and the icing on the cake!
Thanks
Jens
@Jens
We all have different personality types and we have all been culturally conditioned. By the time we are in relationship with another we may find that an actual and healthy compromise between equals is difficult to achieve. This can be the case when a co-dependency is established and it’s not unusual to find that many couples do not have healthy relationships — the two are simply co-dependents.
In some relationships wives are playing the roles of “mother” to their spouses. In others husbands are playing the role of “daddy” to their wives. In other relationships we witness two perpetual adolescents who are jealous and competitive rivals dueling for position.
Timethief,
I and Sharon have been together a couple of days over three years and I must say that she’s my soulmate. I know that’s a cliche, but when you find that one person out of the millions on the Earth that fulfills your idea of what a life partner is, there is no greater feeling! What I’ve noticed between us, is that she and I have an “in sync” quality about us, and I have to attribute this to striving to do all we can for the other. When you place the love of your life first before your own needs, you’ll soon find yourself in a cycle of marital bliss. Of course we have our ups and downs, but through everything, we continually communicate to give our relationship a daily “fine tuning” as well as listen to the needs of the other, in doing this, we feel like we’re still in the dating stage of our relationship.
Thanks for your insight on this subject and as always, you are spot on!
-D. Divine
@Michael
I have no doubt about the depth of feeling you have for your wife and I celebrate the same feelings in my own relationship. However, I have been on this planet living this life for half a century and during that time I have met others, who I could have successfully and jubilantly paired with as well.
I have learned that one can truly love more than one person at the same point in time, and I have learned that the cultural inculcation we have to live in sexually exclusive pairs is very strong. If one does find themselves in a position of loving more than one at the same point in time, decisions must be made.
Provided we are mature enough to be able to transcend our hormonal drives and not go there, then we can then allow our love for one friend to become a pure and deep one that’s unfettered by sexuality, and does not threaten our relationship with our spouse.
Oh dear TT, this is SO beautiful. I am blessed at this point in my life to say that I have a wonderful partner and we are such an amazing team. I am blessed to know and live trust, growth, compassion, forgiveness, generosity, independence and yet interdependence, laughter and love. Deep knowing of other, deep care and so much more. I am so glad that you also have this and can write about it for others to better understand. This is beautiful writing by the way. I was touched just reading it. It reflects highly on you. Much love and many hugs, Your sister friend Robin.
@Robin
I’m so happy you thought this post was well written. It’s not easy for most people who have been conditioned to believe that there is one and only one partner out there that’s a perfect fit for them to open their mind to other possibilities. It’s particulalry difficult if you are already in a wonderful fulfilling relationship.
The bottom line is that humans are built to live, love and learn. We are flexibly constructed and able to adopt and adapt. We are certainly capable of loving more than one person, and as we conquer our ego driven desires we become enabled to love, love, love more people.
As we mature and find that we are in a loving spousal relationship the important aspect then becomes how we express that love (sentiment manifest as thoughts, words and actions), both within the spousal relationship and without it, in relationships with others – ie. in a constructive ways or in a destructive ways?
Love and peace
Very nice post, TT.
I’ve found that listening and respecting another’s point of view is so important. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in ourselves and our own perspectives that we don’t even consider that others think differently. I’ve found that trying to keep an open mind and accepting another’s opinion, whether or not we agree, goes a long way in helping to understand others and keep the peace.
@earthtoholly
I agree that open mindedness is a virtue. However, when I consider my own upbringing in my parents’ home, church, etc. the only open minded free thinking role models that I was in contact with were dismissed by my other and more dominant and influential family members as being bohemians who lacked credibility. That scenario persisted throughout my younger years and by the time I was about 10 I came to understand where more dominant and influential family members were coming from.
They were Christian fundamentalists and like all fundamentalists they chose to slam the doors to the corridors of thoughtfulness closed and absent themselves “from worldy matters”, thereby replacing open mindedness with closed mindedness ie. egocentricity. They had all been brainwashed in the dogma and doctrine of the faith by their own parents and family as very young children, and had all been culturally conditioned to parrot and to live by certain interpretations of what they thought ancient texts stated.
They were adults who spoke of “free will” but manifest no evidence of the same in the form of “free thinking”. They had been successfully indoctrinated into an egocentric, fear and guilt based belief system and they were now busy brainwashing and indoctrinating the next generation. I eagerly looked forward to the time when I could escape that milieu and I chose to be in the company of the free thinkers as frequently as I could.
I have just published a new post called: Detecting Egocentricity and I’m going to cross reference this comment and the post to create clarity.
Simple but great truths indeed. And extremely easy to practise at no cost at all. It is all free. Just the williness to appreciate the other party’s feelings is all that is required to work wonders in our lives. I am sure many couples will be definitely benefit from this. Great.
@Gopal
I am sure many couples will be definitely benefit from this.
Thank you for the compliment.
Great article, I will savor every word.
@LLnL
Thanks to you for letting me know who liked the article.
I am a very big fan of your blog. This is a particularly intereasting article as well. What I have found most difficult, and you touched on it, is doing the small things and making time for one another. Over time I find that people, including myself, start to get comfortable and neglect our partners. It is these small things that remind them how much we care, and it’s important that they know we care. Sometimes we forget to tell the ones closest to us how much we love them and just assume that they know…even if they do, everyone still likes to hear it and deserves to. I’ve read Becky’s work too, it is also very good and it is very nice of your to offer your support to her in linking to her blog. Please check out my blog, I would more than welcome any comments or anything you have to say. Keep up the great work! Anne
@Anne
We do agree that it’s very easy to take out spouses for granted. When we slide into that pattern we are undercutting our relationship. People thrive on expressions of love and they wither and die when such expressions of appreciation is withheld.
I have made several brief visits to your blog and I like what I see. I like reading Becky’s blog too. I reconsider my own POV in the light of reading new and realistic approaches to creating the conditions within which relationships thrive.
Timethief, this is excellent.
Every single point you made is vital for achieving the the depth of relationship that is longed for by so many. I truly feel that the quality of a relationship is in direct proportion to the quality of communication. After 25 wonderful years with my wife and life partner I will testify to the accuracy of your words. If you long for a deeply rewarding bond of union, this article is a good place to start.
@Jonathan
Thanks so much for sharing your positive response to my post with me and my other readers. I have done a lot of living, loving and learning and know that I gave much more to learn. That’s why I’m exploring all these pathways to healthy and happy relationships.
fantastic post .
thank you .
@aramet
You’re welcome.