Internet relationships: When the walls fall down
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Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about friends and foes and what it means to me to have so many internet relationships. I’m into conscious living, personal development and self improvement. I’m striving to become more forthright and effective in my communications and to become a better listener too.
Online friendships can be very real and very valuable, and when compared to face -to-face friendships they have different strong and weak points.
One way in which increased communication on the internet is beneficial is that it allows people like me who are less personable and outgoing, to feel less inhibited to communicate. Although there are benefits, researchers argue some disadvantages of an internet based society as well, such as the ability to fantasize and create enemies and conflict where none ought to exist.
Sensory deprived
In cyber relationships, we have only words. We lack the visuals including body language, facial expressions and gestures that we strongly rely on on face-to-face relationships. We also lack sound and the ability to touch others we come into contact with. In face-to-face meetings this sensory feedback is critically important data that gives us confidence in another person, and allows us to create a foundation of trust upon which communication and friendship are based.
On one hand, when people can’t be seen or identified, some can be more willing to open up and share true feelings. On the other, some cannot truly emotionally express themselves over the internet, which is one of the argued disadvantages of communication on the internet. When there is a personal, face- to- face relationship and possibly unequal status, people have something to lose by sharing their feelings. In face-to-face relationships, there is a level of vulnerability. The person receiving the information is more likely to pass judgment and the person giving the information is more likely to get hurt.
Imagination runs wild
In the absence of sensory input online we can believe we know someone well when we really don’t actually know them at all. How this happens is easily explained; we tend to create the missing data with our imagination. Yes, we fantasize and we can easily make huge mistakes.
When we communicate with others online we judge them to be “friend” or “foe” not only based on private information and opinions they share, but also on the fantasies about them that we create between our ears.
We want to connect with others in the cyber world and just as we can meet those whom we either like or dislike in person, we can also meet those we think we like or dislike online. However, it’s important to recognize that we all tend to project only portions of our personalities online, and as we lack sensory input, we can do each other a disservice by engaging in fantasies.
Internet addiction
There is controversy over whether it is possible to actually be addicted to the Internet or not. Some researchers, like John M. Grohol, claim that it is simply people trying to escape their problems in an online world and cannot be classified as an addiction. He demonstrates his theory with this model and states that what some people call an addiction is just someone that is caught in stage one.
Other psychologists, including Jennifer R. Ferris, believe that Internet addiction is a true psychological disorder with definable symptoms. The symptoms are comparable to any addiction, withdrawal, loss of relationships or job and significant time consumption.
If an actual addiction exists or doesn’t exist, the underlying themes that support the addiction theory are still an issue. Whether people are trying to escape problems and reality or they will go through withdrawal if they aren’t surfing the net or chatting, it is still psychologically unhealthy. Source
Hooked
Dr. Maressa Hecht Orzack, a licensed clinical psychologist, has treated addictive behaviors at McLean Hospital, where she is founder and coordinator of the Computer Addiction Service and a member of the Harvard Medical School faculty.
Harvard Medical School’s Computer-Addiction Services identifies the following symptoms of computer addiction.
Psychological symptoms
- Having a sense of well-being or euphoria while online
- Inability to stop the activity
- Craving more and more time online
- Neglecting family and friends
- Feeling empty, depressed and irritable when not online
- Lying to family and friends about activities
- Problems with school or work
Physical symptoms
- Carpal tunnel syndrome
- Dry eyes
- Migraine headaches
- Backaches
- Eating irregularities, such as skipping meals
- Neglecting personal hygiene
- Sleep disturbances and changes in sleep patterns
Breaking boundaries
Dealing effectively with conflict and confrontation online is one of the most important skills you can acquire. Most of us have a certain dread of confrontation. We fear being cheated; we fear letting others know what we really think and feel for fear they may use it against us; we believe our honesty may hurt an other so we avoid confrontation or put on a strong front.
Lasting face-to-face or online relationships are built on credibility and trust. There is little that people will do for each other without some amount of trust and truthfulness and trust are usually essential for goodwill.
Trolls
We all need companionship but we should not sell ourselves short and accept it from someone who disrespects us, takes our friendship for granted, stresses us out and demeans us. No matter how much we crave companionship, it is simply not worth lowering our standards of what friendship is supposed to be to allow toxic people to poison our online lives.
The term “troll” can mean a number of different things, but in essence, a troll is a person who aims to have ‘pleasure’ at your expense. They are people who have the psychological need to feel good by making others feel bad. This is a sort of “psycho troll“, whose deception involves deceiving themselves as well as others.
Trolls have no self respect and low self esteem, and cannot cope with normal human interaction; start with a bit of flattery, and they may be stuck for a response. Even if they recover, they will not able to react appropriately, which should convince everyone of their trollism. Trolls focus on their target, not the issue; additionally, most trolls can only pick on one person at a time. This leaves them wide open to paralysis when you talk about them, but not to them.
Reference:
The Online Disinhibition Effect
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40 Comments on “Internet relationships: When the walls fall down”
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Very nice post TT. Quite eye opening too.
I particularly like this sentence:
“In cyber relationships, we have only words.”
Simple, but so unbelievably true.
Although we do have emoticons too! ;)
Nice read, good job! :)
Rachels last blog post..Disgusting video…
Hi Rachel,
I’m happy that you liked the post. I’ve been reassessing my communications online and trying to improve but I’ve run into a couple of trolls. I found that speaking to my online friends about what was happening was a real eye opener. I never actually believed one could become addicted to being online. Now I do.
I had a troll visit my site recently. Made a rude comment and got even more rude when I wouldn’t post it. I ended up posting it because he made me feel like I “should,” then realized what happened and took it down again. Strangely enough, he ended each rude comment with “hugs.” Psycho stuff…but I figured it out.
Teresa Silverthorns last blog post..New Ground
@Teresa
I’m so glad you came by. I have also been in a situation where I was bullied as you were into posting a comment and then later came to my senses and deleted it. The woman involved did not send me a hug. She sent me hate mail. :(
Sometimes I wonder if our sense of diplomacy overrides our sense of boundaries. I certainly wouldn’t allow a person at my workplace to speak to me rudely. Why would I allow an anonymous person to do this on the net? It did help me wake up tho, and make some decisions. Plus, remembering the saying “all suffering is derived from desire.” I must have “desired” something?
I must not anymore…that isn’t going to happen again ;)
Teresa Silverthorns last blog post..New Ground
Ahhh … yes that old desire factor does come into play.
I like your take on this. Things are often not what they seem.
A web persona can be easily developed and maintained, but they often crumble in person-to-person meetings where you have access to so much more of the individual, or group, etc. And some crumble long before that.
The internet is our digital and fearless voice in a sense. It can also become the voice of ego, a false solution to low self-esteem, and a place to spill anger and discontent without direct opposition or personal consequence.
That said, I am an optimist regarding the value of the internet in advancing our true communication on all levels.
I believe in the internet :-)
John – Zen-Momentss last blog post..I Love You
John said: “It can also become the voice of ego, a false solution to low self-esteem..”
I agree with John. It can be a place where jealousy becomes a hidden agenda.
@Teresa
I think I witnessed one of the commenters on your blog who had a jealousy problem. He was incredibly hostile towards you for no reason that I could isolate.
@John
It can also become the voice of ego, a false solution to low self-esteem, and a place to spill anger and discontent without direct opposition or personal consequence.
Those words resonate. I also believe in the internet and I want to be as authentically “me” as I can be. It’s difficult though. In person I am very animated when among those who are close to me. My facial expressions, gestures and body language convey so much more of me than I can share using only words. The feedback I get from people who do not like me online sounds like I’m projecting a different me. Yet when I read the words they are the same ones I use in face-to-face conversations.
A nice one… I am like you, I feel more comfortable communicating online rather than offline, even though I make friends easily either way. The biggest difference to me isn’t the lack of physicality, but that it is easy to lose contact with online people if you suddenly stop going to a specific site where your friends are or forget to go to their blogs or websites. The facelessness makes it easy to forget the online friends, regardless that a lot of them make a lasting impact. I have to admit though, that I feel people who I have met in flesh after an online friendship are closer to me than those I haven’t met, but interestingly, the online friends I have met in the real life can become very close friends a lot faster than what would happen without the help of the Internet.
I think this has to do with that vulnerability you describe. Because online we have usually talked about the big stuff already before meeting in person, so the meeting will either make or break the relationship. If both have already accepted each others “big secrets”, it is very likely that the friendship will go forth, unless something weird happens, like the other one turns out to be something completely different than expected, like instead of a 30-year-old female a 50-year old male. Stuff like that can’t be brushed aside. Anyway, if all goes well, the Internet friend is suddenly very close to you, and you share the free discussion of the Internet and the physicality of the “real world”. I definitely aim to meet people I have met online if at all possible. Unfortunately Kanada is far away from Australia, but maybe some day. :p
Sebastynes last blog post..The beginning of the sticky tape
@Sebastyne
I believe you are correct about the ease with which we can lode connection with online friends. Life is busy and we tend to address priorities based on that which is immediate and in our face, so to speak.
I have never met anyone online and then met them face-to-face. In fact, I think that it’s highly unlikely that I will every meet the freinds I have made online face-to-face. Maybe that’s a factor that can result in me treasuring the connection we have made even more than I would if I knew that we could meet.
I often wonder how much I’m missing when I “talk” to my online friends. How much is what they mean to convey? How much have I made up and exists only in my head? Perhaps previous generations who relied on pen-pals and other long-distance correspondence faced similar limitations.
Lulubelle Bs last blog post..Rocky Mountain High
@lulubelle
It’s interesting that you referred to pen pal situations. I have never had a pen pal. However, one of my best friends married and moved to the UK for 19 years before returning and we did keep in touch by mail. We wrote very lengthy and very detailed letters back and forth on a regular basis. If we had not had a close face-to-face relationship initially then I would not have included as much detail in my correspondence as I did and I don’t believe she would have either. In our case not much imagination came into play. In the case of my online friendships people like yourself I think imagination plays a much larger role.
Great…I’m an addict. I guess I knew it…but now I know. I love the creative outlet…like painting…writing…and the thrill when someone says, “That was great what you did. You helped me through a day.” So…I’m a willing addict…and proud to tell the people in my physical world. (I might be a Troll too. I sometimes debate what someone posts. I like dialogue…or…sometimes I just question some of the things they say. I don’t mind when people do it back to me. I encourage it actually. What if I haven’t thought all the way through my beliefs?)
This was great. Except…now I feel pressure to shut down my laptop. Life is cruel! Thanks!
Andy Koehns last blog post.."We would rather watch than do. Fewer risks. Less effort. We like to say we are doers, but face…"
@Andy
Without doubt there are people who are always trolls. But I also think that when frustrated any and all of us can manifest brief outbursts of troll-like behavior. The difference being that the former are people who have the ongoing psychological need to feel good by making others feel bad.
Here’s the link to an entertaining post I’d like to share:
Are you ready to take the bloggers’ pledge?
I remember when I first got online, at one point I was rather shocked with how much information I’d shared about myself with someone who was, for all intents & purposes, a stranger. It was too easy to interact with “just a screen.” I definitely took a step back at that point.
Lanas last blog post..My Town Monday; Evening Hike at the Flatwoods & Etc. Bird News
@Lana
I have shared more personal information with people online than I would have shared if we were meeting face-to-face. I have also been the target of a couple of psycho trolls from BC, who have invented a construct of me and the workings of my mind that bear very little resemblance to reality.
Interesting article. I admit it. I sometimes fantasize about some of my “online friends.” It’s probably only natural to do that with people you’re communicating with on a daily basis and you want to fill in the gaps. People can be vastly different from their online persona. Or, I guess they can be exactly who they appear to be. I’ve never met any online friends in person.
Bens last blog post..The History of the United States
@Ben
I think we may all subconsciously create fantasy constructs of others we meet online. And like you as I have never met any of my online friends in person so I don’t know if their actual persona would differ from their online persona.
More and more people are getting addicted to Internt spending valuable time chatting with friends or others for no real benefit othe than wasting productive time. Health-wise the damage is highlighted by you. Dry eye is a common problem. Further generating too many spams is reported to be creating more heat as per today’s news report. Good your post is timely.
@gopal
I don’t think that all the time we may spend on chatting is necessarily a waste of time. If we didn’t have needs and if they weren’t being fulfilled through online communication then we wouldn’t be doing what we do.
In some cases ones’ need for human connection alone compels them to reach out and make contact. Loneliness may compel to keep broadcasting to keep the connection open longer than what’s optimal for their health. And, as with any addiction, this computer addiction can slowly build over time so if we aren’t aware then we may end up “hooked”.
Great tips……
Internet Relationships – Are They Safe?
http://www.voicebubble.com/listen.php?action=1&vb=3729f71412eec8dc8b38589dc9d2e11c
@jessica
Thanks for the tips link.
Very nice post. I think that I am subconsciously addicted to my computer that I wasn’t even aware. I remember when my internet was down, I traveled through a snow storm to get it fixed. Oh well, EYE OPENER! lol
Ds last blog post..16 Year Old $200,000 White Wedding
@D
When I had to travel to a wedding and would not be able to use my computer I experienced anxiety. That anxiety ought to have been a wake-up call but it wasn’t. I went on my trip and within the first 24 hours I experienced a compelling need to get to a terminal and “check on my blogs”. I checked the blogs and then experienced a deep reluctance when it came to signing off and getting involved with all people and the wedding activities so I did a bit of forum lurking. The next day even though I was in the company of those I love dearly my mind kept yearning to be online. Without doubt the contortions I used to get online during that 10 day period of time provided me with an accurate diagnosis – addicted!
Somehow I agree about the research. I myself let go of chatting a year ago and satisfied with only few friends I have and I really know in my facebook account. My work is internet based but i still don’t embrace fully what it offers to everyone right now. I guess the only thing that matters here in the attitude towards this technology, not to be consumed all the time and still must give space to ourselves, to other people and what really exist in our daily lives. More improvement and distraction to come in this field but let’s just use the good benefit we can get, but still play the usual real stuff we have.
(I also posted this one in BlogCatalog)
cels last blog post..Milky Cow-tations from the Edge
Great article. I find the Internet to play a role roughly similar to my relationships with “real” people: a chance to laugh, joke and clown around, and be none too serious. Generally I avoid religion and politics and just try to be agreeable to everyone. The trolls I generally avoid. But there is always the element of budgeting time and keeping things in perspective. Social networking, like many computer activities, can be a vampire of time. I think I’ll put myself back on an Internet diet again, after reading your post!
WineCountryInns last blog post..Palisade Looks to Future With New Construction
Another nice post, I have found when communicating online with another person it takes a while to get to actually known who is behind the keyboard.
Their writing style is all you have to judge them on at first. Sometimes people actually write, just as they would speak.
I will have to admit that I will quickly judge a person by the words they choose to use to express themselves.
The best way I have found to get some type of accurate feeling about someone online is to monitor there comments, or post.
Hi, timethief!
Thanks, for chewing over all those possibilities! :O)
Of course, it’s possible that it isn’t all that complicated. That the Internet’s just a glorified telephone, as far as friendship’s concerned. It seemed like a convoluted big deal to me, at first, but now it just seems like a way to say: Hi! I like you! ;O)
Well, that’s definitely a Law Of Attraction joint, so to speak! Hahaha!
I’m really getting back what I’m putting out, and I’ve made choices that simply seem to sort it all out long before I even log in. For example, I spend a lot of Internet time at the Powerful Intentions social networking site (a Ning joint). It’s Law Of Attraction themed, and I’m simply crazy about the people I’ve met there and introduced to the site.
Then, again, I just skip all the discussions with titles that are obviously self-defeating (a.k.a. “negative”). I mean, I go there to come to terms with the fact that I’m magnificent & so are you! And, there’s so much magnificence there that who has time for kill-buzz?
Seems to work out, too.
Anyway, that’s my take on it.
Sunshine & Blessings,
Giovani
Giovanis last blog post.."The 3-D Movie & Law Of Attraction"
Great article! It is so true that the lack of non-verbal communication can make it difficult to get across a message in the manner it was intended. Offline eye contact, a touch on the arm, the softness of one’s voice, all have the ability to convey kindness and respect. But online words can be taken in so many different ways. I agree that being online can be addicting. The instant feedback and ability to stretch your mind can be intoxicating. My rule of thumb is to never turn down social events so that I can chat online. As long as offline and online are in balance then life is great! It can be a difficult balancing act though.
Jeanines last blog post..Wine: Moderation is the Key
A very nice post… and obviously one we should all keep in mind as we blog and comment on other blogs…;^)
One of the challenges we face in any relationship (whether we know them ‘in-person’ or simply through the internet) is our ‘fantasies’ about the other person. Although it’s true that we have less information to base our opinions and assumptions (not much difference in those 2 words, really) on when we are communicating through the internet, we definitely still have imaginations that run wild even in ‘face to face’ interactions.
As far as addictions go, I’m no professional psycho-therapist, but I’m relatively certain that I’ve seen people somewhere in this cycle of addiction with a wide variety of things including cigarettes, food, TV, certain kinds of food, coffee, liquor, hard drugs, shopping, a certain person, a certain group of people, or even the internet. Some addictions seem ‘worse’ than others… being addicted to pretzels probably isn’t as bad as being addicted to heroin. It is important for us to learn to enjoy things without clinging. It is important for us to learn to move away from things we don’t like without revulsion or fear. It is the mental or physical ‘tightness’ in either situation that causes the problems. Keep in mind, I have no PhD, so this could just be my imagination running wild…;^)
And thank you for the ‘troll’ definition… I have been seeing this word a lot, and I’ve been very curious as to what people are talking about when they use it. E.G. “That filthy Troll Ben left another comment on my site”
keep smiling,
Ben
Find yourself with a smile…s last blog post..Earth Day Meditation: For the Rest of the Year!
I have found the internet to be a very nasty place at times. The nasty pics that I have received from supposed “friends” is disgusting. I have a few friends who are totally addicted. I am taking less and less time on the computer these days and spending more time with my family.
Shanes last blog post..Autism, Vaccines and Mitochondrial Disorders
You know, I often forget how easy it is to lie online. I participate in social forums and have believed what people say only to find out later that it wasn’t true at all. (I know, I’m gullible)
And I do believe one can become addicted to the internet. I have witnessed it with my own two eyes.
Oh my! I’m in trouble. Seems like i’m addicted to be online
Excellent post! ;)
@Timethief great post none of the psychological symptoms nor physical symptoms, which are indicated by Harvard Medical, school that you cited are applied in my case. I do use internet heavily in my studies and work and this added to my experience and knowledge in my field of study so much. Academic blogs or Academic blogging is as I do believe is an asset. Also, reading sites as yours is really useful ones. I never felt that reading and searching your sites is a waste of time. Via for example your sites, I am learning and craving my skills. And via my Academic blog, I am learning and sharing knowledge. The negative comments one may find, I believe, we should not give them attention because such type of comments do not deserve it as they are full of negative energy which we can turn such negative energies into positive ones by believing in our words and writing skills talent. Thank you for writing such topic and searching for very good sources to cite them :)
Saras last blog post..Updates Open Access Anthropology Day
Hmmm…I only have two or three of the symptoms of internet addiction…which is kind of a good thing….
Hey…is that you with the laptop at the top of the post?
YogaforCynicss last blog post..Rain, Conflict, and Green Tea
I’ve learned to present a carefully edited version of myself on my blog – it’s all me and all authentic, but definitely just a small part of me. Sometimes I look at my writing and think there is something lacking there… and there is! It’s the parts of myself I am keeping private. Strangely, I find myself opening right up when commenting in other peoples blogs, there is a lot less self editing going on then and I enjoy being more candid in those circumstances. People who follow those comments on to my blog must wonder if I am the same person!
I often wonder what people who really know me think of my blog and the fact that they can match it to the actual person and compare the two. Most people are evasive when I ask them but say they enjoy the writing ;)
Birds last blog post..Gardening Grounds Me
timethief — Well, I’ve been home for a few weeks now and am finally catching up, though there’s so much good-looking content here that I’m not sure that I can catch up completely.
It really is easy to fill in the blanks (in pleasant ways, of course) when it comes to online relationships. In some ways, I am glad that I am a naturally suspicious curmudgeon (no, really. but I hide it well! :) ) — it’s a self-protective quality that can stand in the way of forming relationships, but having a cautious approach really does keep me from getting too wrapped up in the online world.
There have been times when I’ve let blogging get in the way of life. It depends on how I’m feeling that week, whether it’s been rainy for the twentieth day in a row, or if I am totally down in the dumps. Strangely, if I’m paying real attention, I find that too much blog time depresses me. Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about the things you write about here. Thank you!