Faith of Chaotically Calm posed this question in a discussion on the Blog Catalog forum:
Is There a Difference Between Hearing & Listening?
Just randomly is there a difference between listening to someone and hearing him/her. I notice that people use the words interchangeably but the other night while in a discussion someone told me that I was hearing him but I wasn’t listening. Thoughts …
Authentic, active listening
In November I attended a weekend workshop on listening and learned a great deal from the many exercises we undertook there as well as from what the presenters had to say.
This was the first exercise we did:
Think of a time when you felt that someone was not really listening to you. What let you know that the other person was not listening, and how did that make you feel?
Ears hear – hearing is easy. Hearts listen and listening is hard work. You can hear without listening but you cannot listen without “turning off your filters”, opening your heart, and becoming one with the speaker in order to discover their truth within you as they speak.
Listening requires that you genuinely focus on the speaker’s words, meanings, and feelings. It means you must first let go of your own ideas, roles, and agendas. If you don’t let go first, then what you “hear” will all be filtered through your own preconceived ideas and assumptions, and you will fail to appreciate and understand what the other person is conveying from their point of view.
Hearing is physiological, whereas listening is more than that. It has the ability to interpret. – Dosox
An authentic active listener must search for the other person’s meaning by looking for deeper issues, intended meanings, and personal needs as they hear the words the other person is speaking.
Support open communication
- offering positive responses, encourages the speaker to share what they are thinking and feeling
- asking open questions so the speaker to explain in greater depth will help them achieve greater clarity
- acknowledging and naming the speaker’s feelings
- empathizing by recalling times you have felt the same feelings and offering a few words that make it clear that you understanding
- show your support by mirroring ie. reflecting back the feelings of the speaker
- reframing by restating the issue in a way that preserves the content and allows movement toward resolution
- summarizing the speaker’s message in your own words, so the speaker feels heard and can confirm or correct your understanding
There are barriers to good/effective listening — Claire
Online communication
Truth be told, we rarely connect to another person by one sense alone. Over 80% of the communication we broadcast and receive is transmitted through facial expressions, gestures, body language and pheromone exchange.
At the very least we see and hear simultaneously and during more intimate relating we see, hear, touch, smell, and maybe even taste. The complex and subtle interactions among all that sensory input far exceeds the interpersonal meaning we can extract from any one of them alone.
Eyes, ears, skin, noses, and tongues – all interconnected in marvelous ways that science still doesn’t fully understand. Those clusters of sensations make for relationships that are highly robust in emotion and meaning.
Examine the ways by which people communicate, connect, and bond with each other and to compare IPR (in person relationships) and CSR (cyberspace relationships) according to how people connect via the five senses:
- hearing the other
- seeing the other
- touching the other
- smelling the other
- tasting (!) the other
The first sense, hearing involves the basic skill for language, which isn’t necessarily auditory.
The second sense, is sight. In cyberspace gender, race, and whether you are “attractive” or not – are irrelevant. Everyone has an equal voice and is judged by the same standards ie. by their words.
The third sense is touch. Almost anything you can do with someone in cyberspace you could also do with them in-person, simply because they can be sitting side-by-side with you in front of the computer while you do it. However, the reverse isn’t true. Everything you can do with someone in-person can’t be duplicated in cyberspace and that’s a big disadvantage for CSR.
The fourth and fifth senses are smelling and tasting. Smell brings us very close to the other and stirs up powerful emotional reactions. Consider the scent of perfume, hair, clothes, skin.
The sense of taste brings us closer still. It’s the sensation of lovers. One might say that smell and taste are rather “primitive” interpersonal sensations, but both are the cornerstones of deep intimacy – maybe because they are so primitive, so fundamental. On this level of relating, a CSR once again falls flat.
When we are communication online we are, in essence, sensory deprived. Therefore it’s not surprising that listening with our hearts is more difficult to achieve online than it is to achieve in person.
Reference: Listen From Your Heart -by Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Life Coach, Hypnotherapist, Author.
Conclusion
I’m not always a good listener and I wanted to improve my listening skills. I got a head start at the workshop but I still have a long way to go to become an authentic listener.
Discussion question
I find I’m a better listener offline than I am online. How about you?
Melinda
February 23, 2009
What a great article, Timethief. Last term, I taught a class called “Interpersonal Communication” which (of course) brought up all the good points you brought up here about listening.
I think most people don’t even consider that listening really is the most important aspect of communication. And it is one that most people struggle with.
Thanks for another thoughtful and interesting read.
Melinda
Melindas last blog post..Life’s Challenges
Teresa Silverthorn
February 23, 2009
That’s a good question. I don’t really know. And, because I don’t really know, I should probably find out.
Teresa Silverthorns last blog post..They Come Back
Roads
February 24, 2009
A few months ago, I decided to experiment with not taking notes in meetings. A bit scary in concept, but in fact I’m an overassiduous note-taker, who only incredibly rarely refers to his notes.
So I stopped writing, and I started listening.
And you know what? My understanding was transformed. Suddenly by looking up from the page and with eyes and ears open, I began to see what wasn’t being said, as well as what was. It takes great concentration, but it’s made such a difference.
Great post.
Roadss last blog post..Chapter 24 – Bitter Spring: part 1
Lana
February 24, 2009
“It means you must first let go of your own ideas, roles, and agendas.” This is not possible, however. This would be like telling water to remove it’s hydrogen & oxygen. Who we are is largely a result of our experiences, which define our ideas, roles & agendas. We can TRY to let these go, but we’ll never fully succeed.
But I get what you’re saying here. Interesting post.
Lanas last blog post..Another Afternoon at Fontainebleau State Park
SimplyD
February 25, 2009
Great post timethief. Although I try hard to truly listen offline and online, I find online listening easier because I can re-read the information if I feel I missed something.
At times, there are so many distractions in a face to face setting that one has to be very disciplined and “in the moment” to truly listen. For many, that doesn’t come naturally – I still have to remind myself and at times am guilty of trying not to forget a point rather than just listening as I should.
SimplyDs last blog post..Valentines Day Mindset
D
February 25, 2009
What a great article! I have to admit that I often prefer direct communication than online or via text. I like to see peoples facial expressions and how they respond to various types of discussions. I do get what you are saying. I come across your blog a lot through blog catalog. You are such a great & active participator that I had often wondered if you were one of the creators of blog catalog. LOL :)
Ds last blog post..THE OFFICIAL BOYFRIEND APPLICATION
dosox
February 26, 2009
Interesting topic..
I’m not a good listener too but sometimes I learn a lot just by hearing.
I feel Listening is an art and it gets more creative & meditative when we get the taste of our choice.
I don’t talk much(offline) but I can only say am a good hearer :D
Bird
February 27, 2009
I find I am definitely a better listener in the real world. Online I see things that inspire me and end up gabbling in comments and replies, I like to think that I have answered what the inspiring person was talking about and that I’m just being enthusiastic, but often I seem to go off on my own stuff :) It’s not that I haven’t taken the information in, it’s more that it sets me off and I can’t stop the train of thought. Sometimes I re-read my comment and feel embarrassed that I may have just trampled all over someone else’s post. I’m never really sure if that’s the case though, as I really need to have a person sat beside me to really truly connect. I enjoy blogging, but I do find that side of things hard.
Birds last blog post..Where the wild things are
Nick Grimshawe
February 28, 2009
Hi Timethief,
I enjoyed the article and I recalled times when I felt I wasn`t listened to and that recalled times when I know I wasn`t really listening to another. Just being there with another person without all the distractions is a difficult task indeed. I have taken a class in active listening which helped but my biggest success comes from awareness.
You do have to let go completely from all your stuff to truly listen to another. I have improved over time and I am now really conscious of being “in the now” when I speak with others.
One of my problems to begin with, was a selfish focus on my agenda rather on the person in front of me: those eyes sliding to peak at the watch, of the eyes drifting away from the person to something else that has your attention.
Getting the “I” out of the conversation really helps.
As far as off line, online… all the clues that come with physical presence make off line listening easier, but if you are focused and aware you can pickup an awful lot in the language of soul, that does come shinning through. I like the challenge of both.
Some of the planets most remarkable people are those who are masters of being there with you completely without “ego”.
Nick
Nick Grimshawes last blog post..The Shack Still Number One!
timethief
February 28, 2009
@Melinda
I’m glad you thought this was an interesting read. I find that since I attended the workshop I’m better at listening when it comes to face-to-face communication. However, I find being a better listener when it comes to online communication is much more difficult. All the body language, facial expression and gesture cues I rely on are missing. Hence it’s a real challenge not to rely on my “perception” filters.
Thanks for commenting and peace be with you.
timethief
February 28, 2009
@Teresa,
It’s always good to hear from you. If you ever get an opportunity to participate in a similar workshop – go for it!
Love, tt
timethief
February 28, 2009
@Roads
I recently watched a TV show that was focused on an interesting listening and recollection study. There were three groups who were told that they would be watching a presentation and were asked to endeavor to remember as much of what they heard as possible.
Group A were asked to just listen and were not given any notepads or pens. Group B were given notepads and pens and were asked to take notes. Group C were given notepads and pens and asked to doodle spontaneously about anything they wished, without taking notes. After the presentation was finished all groups were tested.
Group C (doodlers) had the highest scores when it came to recalling what had been presented. Group A members (listeners) had the worst scores when it came to remembering the details of what had been presented. Group B (note takers) had the second lowest scores.
The conclusion was that unstructured distractions like doodling do not significantly interfere with listening and recollection. I found the results to be quite remarkable.
Love and peace,
tt
timethief
February 28, 2009
@Lana
You’re right we can try but let go of your own ideas, roles, and agendas but will will never completely succeed. Our perceptions will always be with us so I guess you could say the best we can do is to turn the volume way down low. Thanks for dropping in reading, thinking and commenting.
Love,
tt
My Life Thinking
March 3, 2009
Very nice, I have enjoyed reading your blog, I will be back often :)
My Life Thinkings last blog post..3 Steps for Using Shoes as a Master Tool for Media and Dialogue!
Jeremy Day
March 3, 2009
Hi TT,
I just had a thought. Even the speaker is responsible for this too. They should be sure the person listening to them is truly listening or they should just stop talking. Sometimes silence speaks most powerfully!
Cheers,
Jeremy
Jeremy Days last blog post..best economic slideshow ever…
timethief
March 3, 2009
@My Life Thinking
Thanks for the visit.
timethief
March 3, 2009
@Jeremy
Brilliant! I agree 100%.
Robin Easton
March 4, 2009
Dear TT, I find this topic fascinating as I studied sound with Don Campbell, the author of the “Mozart Affect”. We looked a lot at the difference between hearing and listening, just as you have here. I tend to be a talker and my sweetie is more quiet. BUT I have learned to just be still and give him plenty of time to find his words and thoughts. In doing so, I have learned that he has so much to say, amazing things to say, but simply processes slower in actual verbal conversation. And yet he has one of the fastest brains I’ve ever seen. He can read a whole page of test in almost a glance. Literally. He also listens so intently that he will remember weeks later things people said only in passing. Over the years I have learned that it’s not that he processes slower, it’s that he processes FASTER, in fact, so fast that he has to try and slow his brain down to natch his thoughts. Although I tend to process emotions much faster that he does. But I like that I’ve become a better listener as I’ve grown older. Especially with my sweetie. I learn more about him and how he feels if I sit back and just wait for him to come out, he eventually does and will share so much more than if I bungled along filling every space with my own voice, which he would let me do. LOL!!
Great post. So nice to be back here and feel your energy. I am always made richer by your presence. Thank dear TT. Love, Robin
Robin Eastons last blog post..When did you last feel like this?
Robin Easton
March 4, 2009
I also agree with Jeremy’s thoughts of responsibility on the speaker making sure the listener is REALLY listening. I tend to do this all the time and will stop and calmly address the issue if someone is not REALLY listening.
Robin Eastons last blog post..When did you last feel like this?
searchingwithin
March 5, 2009
Wonderful article, as always. I like how you stated that hearing is with the ears, and listening is with the heart. It is hard to truly listen without our own agenda playing in, and especially those filters. We are busy dealing with our own thoughts, emotions and responses, to completely focus on them. Those filters, as you state.
As far as Online communication, well, where do I begin. It just lightly touches the surface.
Best Wishes
searchingwithins last blog post..Is Your "Attraction Radar" Broken?
victorine
March 6, 2009
I was first attracted to the title of this entry. Those words are so very true. I took courses in college in effective listening. It is a lost art.
thank you for writing this!
victorine
March 6, 2009
I love those words the heart listens the ears hear. True listening is a lost art in this multi tasking era.
I took courses in college on effective listening. It takes mindfulness, empathy and non judgement to listen with your heart.
thanks for writing this.
timethief
March 6, 2009
@Robin
I too have become a better listener as I have aged but I have more improvements to make in this regard. Mt beloved is a better listener than I am. I find the fact that we are so limited in sensory input online to be extremely frustrating. I have noticed that people often misinterpret what I’m saying not in the sens of conveying the message, but in terms of projecting feelings that I’m not experiencing into what I have said. I communicate formally. I’m not much into slang and I loathe text speak. I do use emoticons but in most cases I would prefer not to.
Love always
tt
timethief
March 6, 2009
@searchingwithin
Thanks for your comment. I’m glad you find the post to be a worthwhile read. The whole online communication thing is a conundrum. Because we lack sensory input we tend to rely more on those “filters” and trying to focus on what has been said so can easily lead us to false perceptions.
Love and peace,
tt
timethief
March 6, 2009
@Victorine
It’s always wonderful to hear from you and I regret that it has been so long since I have paid a visit to your blog. I’m finding reading to be very difficult as I have a nerve connected to my left eye that’s damaged and it’s interfering with my vision.
Your are so right about being an effective listener. We can’t accomplish that without being empathetic, non judgmental and listen with our heart. Oy vey! that’s hard to master, isn’t it?
Blessings unto thee,
tt
Hyderabadiz
March 15, 2009
Online or offline: Ears hear and hearts listen: an excellent way to visualize communication.
Online here I think is about being present, or being in the presence. That reminds me of the situation in theologies: Christian presence, and Buddhist present (so similar and yet so far, West Vs. East)
Online as a word, these days never occurs to most of us, in the context you portrayed and did it very well. We these days, tend to think online is only when u are synchronized on the Web. And, so is offline (when you are logged off or not hooked up = out of sight, out of mind).
Thanks for the insight.
Keep up reminding us, as always.
Hyderabadizs last blog post..Hyderabadi Website of the Month: hyderabad.co.uk
timethief
March 16, 2009
Thanks so much for reading ans commenting too.
Holoptica
March 18, 2009
@timethief this article is interesting. I would be nice to get a follow up article. Something like “Should you listen?”. What I am getting at is, putting listening into perspective.
Is there a time when listening might not be beneficial to the one speaking?
Should how you listen depends on the circumstance and the subject matter?
timethief
March 19, 2009
@Holoptica
Thanks for your interest.
earthtoholly
March 22, 2009
Hi TT,
In the blogosphere I believe I listen, but feel a little as Bird described. At the same time I feel that relating my own experiences in response to the speaker tells them that I understand what they’re saying. I could be totally wrong here and maybe I’m perceived as a me-me-me’er. I hope not. Now I like commenters who relate their own experiences…gives me another point of view and something to think about. I don’t expect them to humor me.
Outside the blogosphere (family) “…and never the twain shall meet.” pretty much sums it up. :o(
earthtohollys last blog post..Silent Sunday: foggy Kentucky road
Jeanine
March 28, 2009
This is a really good article. I think the deeper the emotional investment, the harder it is to be a good listener. It’s so true that listening and hearing are two completely different things.