Consider Making the Childfree Choice
During the 1970’s recognition of the fact that human population was exploding pervaded North American society. Somewhere along the way this recognition was buried and the subject became taboo. While I was on my vacation I had an opportunity to chat with four young couples in my family, who are making the the same childfree choice that my husband and I made years ago. Two other young couples announced that they had decided that they would have no more than the one child they already had. Remarkably their parents and grandparents were not amused and some went so far as to label the young couples as being “selfish”. I burst into laughter when I heard this and then the debate began.
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The newest issue of World Watch magazine focuses on the taboo subject of world population growth. This special edition reveals that empowering women to make their own family size choices through education, economic opportunity, and family planning services is the best strategy to tackle population growth and the many problems connected to it.
Read: Women: Population’s Once and Future Key
Read: Unnatural Increase? A Short History of Population Trends and Influences
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Aug 14th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
If only it were easy (on a global scale,) for “women to make their own family size choices”.
That’s ONE thing I guess I can thank my Amerikan upbringing for. I decided not to have kids in ‘92 & had the surgery. Most people have a natural assumption, however, that women are baby factories & should fulfill that “duty.” Some have even said (right here in Amerika,) that, having given up that purpose, I don’t even have a right to live.
I would have liked to have a baby or two of my own, but I could NOT bring a child into this world (for SO many societal reasons!) Being a black market baby, myself, I wouldn’t wish adoption on anyone, so that’s not an option. Some say that parenting is a selfless act. I say that deciding to remain childless might even be MORE selfless.
Aug 14th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Excellent article, and thought provoking.
“Selfish” is such a loaded term to be throwing about when it comes to families and reproduction, and all that that entails. Why is it “selfish” if one limits the number of children they have to one? Or chooses to have none at all? I don’t get it.
Wifey and I aren’t able to have children, and it was not an easy thing to come to terms with, but in a lot of ways it’s actually turned out to be a blessing. We have other options open to us because of that that we might not otherwise have had.
And also we might, in our own tiny, unplanned way, be helping out the planet with its massive overpopulation problem. Well… it’s a nice thought anyway. :)
Aug 14th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
There isn’t a bigger issue than overpopulation. All other troubles have their roots right there. I made the childless decision back in my 20’s and have never regretted my decision. In the end, the world has blessed me with close relationships with children/young people in four countries, one who suggested that he would like to call me (Mom?) a few months ago. With my positive, open-arms response we have begun a treasured and rare friendship. At 57, I have a son…
Aug 15th, 2008 at 11:40 am
@Lana
Thanks for your comment. My husband and I have prepared a long list of all the reasons we did not want to have children. At the top of that list is the fact that we both came from large families. In essence we raised our younger siblings for our burned-out parents who would have preferred to have had less kids as opposed to more but who did not have access to effective birth control methods.
Over the years we have endured many challenges from those who are bent on justifying their own decision to breed. We have also witnessed with great sadness that some of them became neglectful and ineffectual parents.
The most ridiculous statement we have ever had to refute is the allegation that we are “selfish”. In fact, there’s not a single couple with children who has done as much hands on volunteer work and fundraising for children’s groups in our community as we have done.
Aug 15th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Hi Tony,
My husband and I had many reasons for choosing to remain childfree and they have not changed over the course of these last two decades.
On one hand, we discovered that when we told the truth which was that we did not wish to have children we were met with a litany of off base comments and characterizations that focused on the word “selfish”.
How laughable. Every living thing on the planet from bacteria and plants to animals is under the dual pressures to survive and to reproduce.
On the other hand, we discovered that when we revealed that I had cancer we were met with pressure to adopt, even though we had no parenting inclinations whatsoever.
For us the fact that I required a hysterectomy was not devastating news. It was our ticket to being free of the burden that we did not wish to have in the first place.
Aug 15th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
@Lydia
It appears that we have had very similar experiences stemming from being childfree. My husband and I are the favored aunt and uncle of all our nieces and nephews. We are also the favored children’s and youth club leaders among the children of our friends. Being “childfree” means that we have the time and enegry to devote to children’s organizations that many couples in two working parent families lack.
It’s truly unfortunate that the childfree stigma persists in these times when we know that the human population explosion is threatening the planetary environment from which we draw life. Hopefully the antiquated concepts underlying the stigma will be irradiated within the next generation.
Aug 15th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I’d like to suggest a book that I think is a worthy read. The number one seller in the 2005 market, this mainstream marriage and family text combines a balanced scholarly and applied approach with a unique theme, “making choices in a diverse society”.
The text achieves an excellent balance between the sociological and ecological or family systems theoretical perspectives, while including coverage of family dynamics and interpersonal relationships. Lamanna and Riedmann’s coverage offers insightful perspectives on diversity, including different ethnic traditions and marriage and family alternatives.
Subjects
Family, Remarriage, Choice (Psychology)
More details
Marriages & Families: Making Choices in a Diverse Society
By Mary Ann Lamanna, Agnes Riedmann, Agnes Czerwinski Riedmann
Published by Thomson Wadsworth, 2005
ISBN 0534618596, 9780534618599
736 pages
Aug 15th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I thought this was an excellent article–and very well written.
My husband and I are childless and I have always been amazed (and somewhat offended) by the reactions of total strangers upon hearing I am childless. My decision was based on several reasons which I didn’t think was anyone’s business but people either look at your tragically as though you MUST want a child but somehow can’t–or they look sideways at you, as though you are a child hater!
I am currently a psychologist who works with children with severe behavioral problems and I will tell you this–I wish that more people thought through what being a parent means because there are a lot of people in the parenting business who have no business being there!
Aug 15th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Excellent, timethief. I made the decision to have no children when I was 16 1/2 years old. My family (naturally enough, given my age) scoffed and said the predictable “when you find the right person, you’ll change your mind.”
I did not change my mind. I have been called both selfish, (which is true, but that’s another discussion) and lazy, which is not true, but I can understand why some may see it that way.
I do volunteer work, as well, and have been important in the lives of young relatives. One “argument” I’ve heard is “If you don’t have children, you’ll be all alone in your old age.” There are so, so, many things one can reply to THAT comment.
I used sometimes to ask people WHY they want to have children (since they found it acceptable to ask me why I didn’t) and, most of the responses I got back, if they were more than stuttering inarticulateness (as most really are not able to cite “reasons”) sounded kind of selfish to me! ;)
On a personal note, I hope your travels were wonderful and your owies are healed.
Aug 16th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
@Melinda
Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s no different from my own. My husband and I were probed and queried in the most invasive manner possible by people who were not even close to us. They all pronounced our decision as being “unnatural” and “selfish”.
Finally we had more that enough of it and I boldly began telling everyone to mind their own business. By that point the couples who had produced children were breaking up and using their kids as weapons against one another (rolling eyes).
Aug 16th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I made my childfree decision at age 12. I too have turned the tables on those who insist that they must have children and asked them why? None of them, not even one could supply a reasoned and articulate answer. I believe this inability to respond may be because all the living, including bacteria, plants and rabbits the same two imperatives - survive and reproduce.
Aug 16th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Between myself and my two sisters, only one of us has a child. Nevertheless, I think it’s just in our genes to reproduce. If you give it thought you can make a different decision, but for many, it’s just what we do as a species.
I can’t always get an answer from parents as to why they have children either. I think it also might have to do with ego - we see yourself in your children. That’s not a bad thing - it just is.
Aug 17th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
@Kathleen
“Nevertheless, I think it’s just in our genes to reproduce.”
I agree that every living thing operates under two imperatives — survive and reproduce. However, we humans are unlike bacteria, plants and animals. We are aware that it’s the increasing numbers of humans and the impact of their activities on the planet that have led to compromising the environment (pollution of air, water and earth), rapid depletion of non renewable resources, extinction of innumerable species, and the squander of renewable resources. And with that “sustainability” awareness comes the responsibility to make corrections wherever we can.
The four young couples I spoke to on my vacation are not in the least concerned that their childfree choice will lead to a planet that lacks sustainable human populations. They are pursuing careers in science, wildlife management, microbiology and genetics and they are extremely concerned about the unsustainable activities we humans have pursued for so many years.
I really enjoyed listening to their take on the idea that they could make a more valuable contribution to the planet through pursuing their careers than they could by pursuing parenting.
Aug 18th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Great and brave post, my friend.
I knew at a very very young age that I would not have children. Even as a child I felt overwhelmingly crowded. Even though I lived in small town Maine and was in the woods a lot, every week, almost every day except during the school year…nonetheless I felt the affects of too many people, cars, houses, stores, and so forth.
I consciously made the choice to not have kids for those reasons.
What is interesting is how some relatives pressured us to have “at least one or two”, or they thought something was wrong with one of us because we didn’t want children. Even if I had wanted a child I would have adopted one. There are far too many unwanted children in this country alone.
Also, did you know that some wild species do not bear young if the population is too high. They know there will not be enough food, space, water, (resources).
Maybe having offspring is a survival mechanism…but in nature NOT having young is also a survival mechanism found in some species. So in terms of “having children” being in “our genes”, which it may be, I would in turn say that NOT having children may also be in our genes (so that the species will have enough resources, so that we might survive). In fact, I pray that it is and that we can reconnect to this wild survival instinct. We will need it.
Wonderful pithy post!
Hope you are healing from your fall. I thought of you!
Hugs and love,
Robin
Aug 19th, 2008 at 2:39 am
Timetheif, I could have stood up and cheered when I read this. I actually love children but have never been broody, never wanted children and as I get older I feel more and more secure in my child free status. It’s a crazy time in the world’s history to be popping them out anyhow.
Aug 20th, 2008 at 10:52 am
I have 2 sons would not want to be without them I have a friend who couldn’t have children now in her 50’s I don’t consider her life any less richer than mine and I am sure she doesn’t.
Aug 21st, 2008 at 10:09 am
Hi TT,
Just checking back on this interesting post and conversation.
Re: “..we humans are unlike bacteria, plants and animals”. Yes, we are, but unfortunately, we still have basic instincts. That’s what limits people from making evolved decisions. Please know that I’m not saying efforts to overcome our base instincts should be negated…absolutely not!
In fact, don’t get me started on procreators who do so without a penny in their pockets to buy food. Explain that, when birth control clinics are free.
I get tired of being asked by other women, “Do you have children?” That question often comes during a first conversation with a new co-worker for instance, though I realize it’s in an effort to find common ground in conversation (perhaps). I wish they would get to know me, rather than immediately trying to define who I am by my reproductive status.
I dearly love children too - other people’s children especially. But, I personally feel better knowing I haven’t contributed to the problem of too many people on the planet.
It’s hard to imagine finding balance. We have to reproduce, but it’s good that everyone doesn’t find it mandatory.
I wonder at what point the government might step in? It’s so true that we don’t have the resources any longer. Do you think it could happen?
Aug 21st, 2008 at 8:26 pm
We make our own choices but if someone asked me what pleased me most in my life I’d say my daughter, without a doubt.
Aug 22nd, 2008 at 4:04 am
Overpopulation is an issue but at the same time I think it all boils down to choice. I wanted kids from the time I was a child. I was smart enough to know I didn’t want them until I was an adult. I grew up in a pretty grim enviroment. I refuse to let that define who I am. I don’t think this should be a government issue. Just recently in China mothers lost their only child and the can’t have another. I don’t think I could live without mine. No, I am not a “baby factory.” I would not change how my own children came in to the world either. If a government told me that I can’t have children I would most likely protest. I think we need to focus more on being something other than parasites.
Aug 22nd, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Hi Shirley,
Thanks so much for sharing your viewpoint with me. I appreciate it very much. IMO provided no law is being broken, government has legitimate no place in the bedrooms of its citizens. To me women having absolute control over their medical and reproductive decisions is a civil and human rights issue. I strongly believe that reproductive decisions are private choices made by a woman (or man where applicable) in consultation with her or his doctor.
Aug 22nd, 2008 at 5:23 pm
@Robin Easton
It’s always so good to hear from you and I promise that as soon as I am well I will be leaving comments on your blog again too.
I appreciate your contribution because you have reminded me of something I had forgotten. You are quite right. When under stress animals fail to conceive and some who do conceive actually absorb the fetus. So when it comes to survival of any species both having young and not having young are “in the genes”.
Aug 22nd, 2008 at 5:28 pm
@Dan
I’m glad that you are happy with the choice you made. There are so many unwanted, neglected and abused kids in this world that’s it’s always good to hear a parent loves their child and is committed to doing the best they can to parent them well. Best wishes to you and your family. :)
Aug 22nd, 2008 at 5:29 pm
@Bird
It appears that we are “birds of a feather”. Forgive me. I couldn’t resist. :P
Aug 22nd, 2008 at 5:41 pm
@Kathleen
You have said:
I get tired of being asked by other women, “Do you have children?” That question often comes during a first conversation with a new co-worker for instance, though I realize it’s in an effort to find common ground in conversation (perhaps). I wish they would get to know me, rather than immediately trying to define who I am by my reproductive status.
I finally got to a position in life where I was able to say to all those who quizzed me about not having children: “If I were rude I would be responding to your question by saying it’s none of your business’ but I’m not rude so I’ll just change the subject.”
Aug 24th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I am one of three and the only one that had children of their own. I have 3 children and could not imagine how much I would be missing if I did not have them. Having said that, I certainly believe that the decision to have kids is a personal choice. Nobody should feel pressured to have children. The choice should be easy and within reach of everyone.
Aug 25th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
The Malthusian panic of overpopulation has been going on for generations. The problem we have is not a shortage of staples rather it is an issue of distribution. I do believe reproduction to be a personal choice. Not everyone wants to or is fit to parent. I further find it problematic to assume that women should be baby factories when socially we do so little to make motherhood easier. Is it any wonder that so many are opting out when we consider the financial cost, the lack of things like socialized day care, and medicine>
Aug 28th, 2008 at 9:29 am
This is a great discussion on choice and on sustainable populations. We hear too much about the poor and hungry and not enough about personal responsibility and the decision to not have more children that you and your society can afford to take care of. In China, that decision has been taken out of the hands of the people, because the population was exploding.
And certainly people who don’t want children should never have them. That said, my two children,in their 20s, are so much fun, creative and productive, that I feel like the luckiest person on the planet. Additionally, as a student of history, I know there has never been a “good” time to have children. Some times are simply less bad than others.
Sep 5th, 2008 at 6:36 am
more and more I find myself wishing I hadn’t had the kids. I love mine but alot has gone up in smoke since even the first arrived. My husband is emotionally withdrawn and kind of selfish so he doesn’t actually add up to be a really great dad and it makes me sad. He is too worried about his computer and the next electronic he is going to buy to worry about saving money for the kids college. we are on the verge of divorce. It was a pretty good relationship before all the responsibilty and stress of the kids. I do love them, but only feel the “joy” or being a mother with very little help from her husband for a fleeting moment or two.
Sep 5th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Sadly I know other women who have experienced the same “withdrawal”. Eventually it prompted them to divorce. The result was at the very least they had one less demanding “child” to provide and care for. Truth be told, in most cases it’s the woman who decides whether or not there will be children and once they are born it’s usually the mother who is on the front line alone. Best wishes for an improved family situation.
Sep 7th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I’m completely with you on this…the only trouble is that the people I know who are still having lots of children are the ultra-reactionary fundamentalists, like my cousin who’s home-schooling twelve kids to be right wing Christian footsoldiers in the culture wars….
Sep 8th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
There are the Quiverfull people who are breeding like bunnies as well as other religious groups too. SHRUG
Nov 30th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Hello webmaster I like your post “ider Making the Childfree Choice” so well that I like to ask you whether I should translate into German and linking back. Answer welcome. Greetings Kroatien
Nov 30th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Provided that your translation attributes me as the writer of the article and includes a link back to this post, you have my permission to translate and republish it. :)
Dec 2nd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
For those of you who are childfree, there is a great forum that you can visit - http://www.thechildfreelife.com
We have members from all walks of life, several continents, and across a broad spectrum from not wanting kids to not being sure … it’s a great place to discuss every aspect of The Childfree Life!
lngilberts last blog post..The Childfree and the Environment