Becoming legally married is not a requirement for a happy, healthy and enduring relationship. Happiness comes from within. Those who believe they are incomplete and must marry legally or have a religious service to be happy are misguided. Those couples who insist they are incomplete without children and insist that they must have them to be happy are likewise misguided.
Ingredients required for a happy, healthy and enduring relationship:
(1) Awareness that happiness comes from within. You do have to be able to love yourself before you are capable of giving anything at all to another in a relationship.
(2) Trust is fundamental to commitment to the relationship whether or not a legal formality has taken place. For without our inherent trust of each other, we will be unable to grant freedom, to treat each other with respect and equality, and to be supportive.
(3) Granting another person the freedom to be themselves, to stretch and grow or to wither and stagnate, is the ultimate result of love–unconditional love. It can be tempting to lean on your partner and rely on them for reassurance, but the stronger you are as an individual, the stronger and more equal your relationship will be. When you feel confident and secure within yourself, you can enjoy being with your partner for the joy they bring to your life, not because you feel you need them to survive, or to bring in an income or to be a parent.
(4) It may be more romantic to talk about love, but it’s important to remember that love is an emotion that waxes and wanes. Healthy relationships happen between two people who really like each other ie. mutual affection. When affection is mutual, it endures. If you genuinely like each other, enjoy being together, and share the same dreams in life, then loving will never be far away.
(5) Agreement to a healthy conflict resolution process is required from the outset of any relationship because arguments are a normal part of a relationship. A good argument is an opportunity to share your feelings and strengthen your bond by reaching a decision you’re both happy with. It can be an experience that leaves you both feeling more confident about your relationship and brings you closer together.
(6) Change can provide opportunities for growth and intimacy, but it can also be painful. In successful relationships, resilient couples learn to adapt and change together. They accept that change is an inevitable part of human life and support each other.
ian in hamburg
April 23, 2008
So true. About number one: that’s what I remember most among the few snippets of advice on life my father gave me: you don’t go looking for the right person to marry until you yourself are the right person to marry.
The Prophet, by Khalil Gibran, has all this and more in the chapter on love.
brightfeather
April 25, 2008
Thanks for commenting. I also have had The Prophet and Sand and Foam on my reading shelf for a very long time. Once in a while I pull them out and savor the wisdom again.
It seems whenever the subject of long term relationships comes up the focus is on things the two have in common, whether they are of the same religion and, it is assumed that they will produce children if they are of opposite sexes. What’s being ignored is same sex relationships both with and without children in the home.
I take it for granted that by the time you are considering entering a long term relationship those (common interests, religion, reproduction) are no longer at issue. And as I stated above I do not believe that a religious or civil service or the desire to reproduce is a requirement for an enduring long term relationship. Moreover, I do not believe that the only long term enduring relationships are those of couples who are always of the opposite sexes.
John Rocheleau - Zen-Moments
July 19, 2008
These are good and experienced thoughts. I enjoyed reading this.
#3, giving people freedom to be themselves resonates especially with me. I think that is so important.
And space is also important. I always remember the Kahlil Gibran essay on love (I think it was love), that there should be space between couples, so that the winds of heaven can dance between them. Isn’t that a beautiful way of relating to that?
Best,
John
timethief
July 21, 2008
Please accept my apology for the delayed response. I had unexpected company and computer problems and was unable to get back here to respond to your comment until now.
There’s no doubt about it. Having the freedom to be oneself and to grow within a relationship is crucial to the relationship’s longevity.
I love the description you provide above. I’m a very independent INFJ and my partner recognizes that I need more time and space alone than he does and he gives me what I need.
Thanks for the visit and best wishes. :)