Straight Talk: An Open Letter

aquinas cross

Suicide is painless?
When you first wrote about suicide I was loathe to say a word. I knew that your symptoms were indicative of depression. I was so upset that you were self medicating with beer that I did not know what to say to you. Understand that I was not silent because I did not care, I was silent because I’m not a professional counselor and I was afraid that if I shouted at you “Wake up — you are in a state of denial, ” that I would make things worse for you.

When I did speak up, after you wrote again, I was afraid you would find my comment harsh and interpret it to be rejection. It was a “wake-up” call.

“I let this sit here for awhile before responding of it. The long and short of this is that you are an intelligent man and you know that the symptoms you report above are classical symptoms of depression. Granted, you do not want to call it by that name because you are in a state of denial. You are self-medicating with a depressive substance – beer. What more need I say? You will either stop bull shitting yourself and get the help you need or you won’t. Nothing I say on the subject will matter a whit so all I can do is send you my best wishes for a sudden fall and speedy recovery.”

I was encouraged when I read your next post on this because it sounded like you heard the wake up call so I sent you a [GREAT BIG HUG] that you accepted.

I hope you don’t mind but the comment I began to write today in response to Bipolar anyone? became so lengthy that it’s really a blog post.

There were two other factors that kept me from speaking up at first. One was the fact that we do not really know each other well. We are just becoming acquainted. The other may sound trite but it’s not. We live in different timezones so when I’m just barely waking and drinking my morning coffee (I love coffee but allow myself only one cup per day) and, I read a post that disturbs me, my inclination is to want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. How’s that for a strong denial reaction, eh? Yours was a cry for “help” and what I wanted to do was to run and hide.

Hello darkness my old friend
I know the length, width, heights and depths of depression all too well. I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. It took me years to admit these things to myself, let alone, to a physician or to anyone else. Just typing that here in my own blog is truly difficult for me. Even after I knew that I had problems and I did seek medical help it took years for me to be properly diagnosed and by that time, I had already discovered that alternative and complimentary treatments were effective.

Dysfunctional families
I believe that my reluctance to admit to myself and others that I was suffering from illnesses had to do with the upbringing I had. I’m quite introverted, I’m an eldest child in a large family and I was raised to deny all weaknesses and proceed with confidence at all costs. That dysfunctional conditioning has proved to be very difficult to overcome.

It’s been extremely hard to focus my attention on my own health and happiness and do what’s right for me for another reason too. My three disabilities are not visible and the two I mentioned (I have a third one too – eyesight) are seasonal so, during winter others often expect much more of me than I’m capable of delivering. And, until 5 years ago I had a barrier when it came to saying “no”.

Coping with S.A.D.
When it comes to my winter depression I use a special light. In fact, I’m sitting under it right now. Despite the important role of daylight, many of us are daylight deprived and some of us are more negatively affected by that deprivation than others. I have light sensitive eyes that react negatively to fluorescent lighting and I spend hours every day in front of a flickering computer screen. These days most people spend 23 of their 24 hour day indoors, where illumination rarely exceeds twilight levels and bright light therapy is what is recommended by experts as the first line of treatment for Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D). The diffusing lens and filters protect me from 99% of the harmful UVA and UVB spectrum of light and the lights are manufactured so that they produce none of the annoying flicker experienced with ordinary fluorescent fixtures.

I admit that I have known for 5 years that without doubt, the intensity of light to which I am exposed every day, and the amount of exposure time, does have a major impact on my well-being. Besides that I admit that I also knew that an early start on light therapy in the fall could reduce or even prevent symptoms of winter SAD. However, this winter I abandoned me. I was focused on keeping pace with the events around me and I neglected to begin using the lamp when I should have. My treatment should have begun in the fall and should continue through until April when the outdoor light is sufficient to provide for my needs. I failed to take care of myself until December and by then I had already crashed.

Repressed grief
After I experienced the first waves of pain and sorrow of losing one friend to suicide and having another disappear I became emotionally paralyzed, which is to say that I shut down my feelings. I hurt too much so I chose unconsciously to become numb. Time passed and I came to my senses. I recognized that I had repeated a cycle of self neglect and abuse. I re-commenced my shamanic journeying and I begun to record and interpret my dreams. I uncovered the information I needed to proceed and I developed the determination to rise again.

We all get by with a little help from friends. I’m glad to say that I found others online. We formed an unofficial “grief group” and I felt the return of strength and spiritual rebirth when I embraced the woman I found within me. I’m much more balanced now. I’m looking forward to spring and I’m feeling re-activated and invigorated. I accept my limitations today and I hope to remain open and self honest so I don’t become ill again.

An invitation with a proviso
I do not know if sharing any of this with you will be helpful to you or not. I do know that the first step towards health is the one that you have just taken. It’s to recognize and accept the condition your condition is in and to respect and care enough about yourself to act.

Granted that becoming one’s own health advocate is not an easy undertaking, especially for those who have come from backgrounds where health issues and weaknesses were denied, or worse still where we were punished for making such admissions, however, it can be done. And if we are self honest then we will admit that if we don’t act we will just repeat the same cycles of self neglect and abuse until we can tolerate no more pain and suffering and begin to look for ways out of this life.

Every repetition of a cycle of self abandonment and abuse moves us gradually closer to thinking thoughts like: “Life is not worth living” … “I’d be better off dead” … “Everyone else would be better off if I were dead … ” etc.

Those thoughts are suicidal thoughts. They are the cries of our soul to our self to take care of our “self”.

Provided that you are willing to face your truth, seek effective treatment and commit to it then I would like to be here for you as your friend. If, however, you are going to simply ride this “high” and pretend to yourself that there will be no future “low” then I’m not willing to make that investment.

About timethief

A down to earth woman, a passionate wordpress blogging tips blogger, a meditator, and a conscious living and self improvement blogger.

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