this time ~ this space

Your personality plays a big part in shaping your romantic preferences and psychologists have come up with a “syntax of love” to classify people on the basis of their romantic relationship style.

Dr Raj Persaud is emeritus Gresham professor for public understanding of psychiatry, consultant psychiatrist at the Bethlem Royal and Maudsley NHS Hospitals, and author of ‘Simply Irresistible: The Psychology of Seduction - How to Catch and Keep Your Perfect Partner‘ (Bantam Press, £6.99)

Raj Persaud invites readers to take part in a unique online experiment designed by Dr. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic (Goldsmiths) and Prof. Adrian Furnham (UCL).

I took part and would like to share some feedback I received with you.

AND YOUR BIG 5 PERSONALITY TRAITS ARE

Neuroticism

- You are balanced, somewhat emotional, and adjusted. When you are worried or irritated it tends to be for a good reason. You can be anxious about things that matter and your worries usually have a purpose (e.g., they help you prevent problems). At times, however, you find it hard to suppress your negative feelings.

Extraversion

- You are ambiverted, which means neither introverted nor extraverted. You are variable and adaptable like most people. Sometimes you are happier on your own than with others, whereas on other occasions you really enjoy being with friends and meeting new people. You are comfortable in social situations and are confident interacting with others but prefer to avoid being the centre of attention.

Openness

- You are relatively open to new experiences but not that desperate for novelty. You are interested in finding out about the world and other people but there are things you would never do because they defy your values and principles. You enjoy some forms of art and like some unconventional things but are generally represented by the mainstream. You are not too conservative but not too liberal either.

Agreeableness

- You are warm, altruistic and friendly. You tend to be modest about your abilities and achievements. You follow rules and conventions and don’t like upsetting people. You care about others, even if you don’t know them, and can easily sympathise with people. You are also politically correct and prefer to avoid conflict. Confrontation is not your thing. You are modest and unselfish and try to be on friendly terms with everyone.

Conscientiousness

- You are proactive, responsible, and self-motivated. People know you are reliable and dependable. You strive for excellence and are driven by status, goals and target. You are generally focused on your goals and willing to work hard to attain them. You are well-organized and work efficiently. You are methodical and prefer to always plan ahead. You don’t like leaving things till the last minute and are self-critical if you do not achieve your goals. You prefer to avoid risks. You have a reputation both for your work ethic and for being conscientious.

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I am just about to finish reading 365 days of Sensational Sex: Tantalizing Tips and Techniques to Keep the Fires Burning All Year Long by Lou Paget. I haven’t read Paget’s other three books but, based on reading just this one I can say with assurance that this author knows her subject.

I am a heterosexual woman and what the author has written genuinely and authentically reflects my own experience and mindset. While it’s true that some radical feminists ( primarily, lesbians) have attacked Paget and her books, I have chosen not provide links to those criticisms. To be clear I’m interested in receiving comments from readers who are also heterosexually orientated.

What’s in the book?

A Canadian currently living in Los Angeles, Paget gives ‘sexuality seminars’ on both sides of the pond and uses her knowledge to help couples who attend and readers of her four books. The first three were: a handbook for men entitled ‘How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure’ one for women called ‘How To Be a Great Lover’ and the orgasmic resource for couples, ‘The Big O’.

Book number four is unlike its predecessors. It’s not a handbook or instruction manual full of positions and techniques. It’s far more than a sex book - it’s a guide to a good lasting relationship and, as the cover suggests, it contains tips to keep the fires burning.

• Creating a sexual atmosphere in your relationship, from turning your bedroom into a sanctuary for sex to letting your partner know you find him or her irresistible and turning almost anyplace into a venue for a sexual encounter.
• The link between healthy relationships and a healthy sex life.
• Secrets and advice on maintaining an attitude toward sex that is open and curious and committed to passion-forever.
• A collection of Lou’s “classics”-her most popular techniques for hot foreplay, pleasing each other in various positions, and trying something new.
• The most popular types of sexual fantasies and how to ask for one you want.

Where is she coming from? What is great sex?
Many people assume that being a great lover is about learning tips on technique and giving their partners orgasms, but that is far from the truth. The ‘what goes where’ and ‘how to’ tips are merely the tip of the iceberg in a sensual and sexual relationship.

Lou Paget: It’s easy – in our performance orientated culture – to believe the myth that orgasm is the goal of sex, and that having sex is about achieving orgasms. And while all of us love the wonderful release and sensations of an orgasm, we can miss out on tremendous potential for sexual pleasure when we focus too much on bringing ourselves or our lovers to orgasm. So the next time you and your lover are fooling around, make a point of delaying or even resisting orgasm. As you treat yourselves to passionate touching, oral pleasures or the pleasures toys can bring, linger. Let yourselves truly enjoy all the sensations, letting them develop and come to a powerful fruition, or not at all – it’s your choice. By removing orgasm as a goal, you give yourself the ability to develop a keener sensitivity of all your sexual experience. And, with the increased build up, should you decide to let yourself release into orgasm, invariably it will be to expanded levels.

Defining great sex (or great romance, for that matter!) is personal and very connotative. There is no dictionary definition. But from what I’ve learned through my years of listening closely to people, great sex boils down to two factors.

First, great lovers possess an attitude toward sex that is open and curious, willing to learn something new about sex. Second, great lovers possess the know-how and the intention to keep the flames of passion alive.

To that end, here are some quick tips.

1. Know there is always more to know about sex.
2. Develop different styles of lovemaking.
3. Trust each other in and out of the bedroom.
4. Be brave enough to share your innermost fantasies.
5. Be gentle when airing a disappointment or hurt caused by your partner.
6. Be proud of each other.
7. Remember that the way you treat him or her at 8 a.m. impacts the way he or she treats you at 8 p.m.
8. Remember that just because it isn’t important to you doesn’t mean it isn’t important to her/him.
9. Speak to each other as you did when you first met.
10. Be tastefully jealous.
11. Be a great toucher.
12. Make your lover laugh.
13. Linger on the pleasures of foreplay.
14. Court your lover, forever.

Conclusion: I am an extremely sensual and romantic person with a rich fantasy and dream life. Like most middle aged people I thought I pretty much knew everything I needed to know about bodies and positions. I was looking for a book that went much deeper and I found it. What I gained most was personal validation, as well as, enough self confidence to ask and answer questions that I should have asked and answered years ago.

If you think you don’t know enough - read the book. If you think you know it all - read the book. You’ll be glad you did.

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