Namaste

I’ve never had suicidal thoughts before and the thoughts were readily discernible as unhealthy and dangerous. The most difficult part was remaining emotionally unattached and just witnessing and honoring the thoughts that went on for 2 days, rather than rejecting them or being sucked into them.

On the third day on antibiotics, the swelling went down in my face and my left ear stopped ringing. Then, because I had not rejected the thoughts I was able to write them down, closely examine them and see exactly where they were coming from.

I live with chronic pain and it takes a lot of energy to maintain a happy state of mind and countenance without the complications of blood poisoned delirium from an abscessed tooth and a raging bladder infection.

Underneath all that pain I found that the suicidal thoughts were coming from the low self esteem associated with being unable to make a living on my own anymore and feeling guilty about becoming dependent on my husband to provide for both of us.

It’s evident to me that I have been defining myself by the work I used to do and by the activities I used to be good at – work and activities that I can no longer take part in. More evident still is that I have been angry – really angry that I’ve been unable to make any concrete changes. And, rather than acknowledging that anger I squashed it down inside me where it turned into depression.

During the upcoming Winter Solstice celebrations I will be celebrating being alive, being aware and being loved. In the new year I will be doing some inner work on redefining who I am and I will be learning how to practice self acceptance.

These things I do know as a consequence of witnessing my own suffering. I’m not the thoughts I think. I’m the thinker. I’m not my work or my achievements either. I’m the worker and achiever. Although I do dwell in my body and illness dwells in there too, I’m not my body and I’m not the illness either. I know this because even if parts of my body were gone or if my senses were impaired I would still be “me”.

It’s true that what I went through these past couple of months was hell and that I’m still fragile, it’s also true that I’m back in the game and that I’m looking forward to the new year.

I value our friendship highly Adam so, please don’t be a stranger email me whenever you feel the urge. And, when we sing our farewell song at our Winter Solstice celebration bonfire I’ll be sending you and M my love.

May the long time sun
Shine upon you,
All love surround you,
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on.

Namaste {she bows}

I’m sorry to hear how terrible your year has ended up, but I’m grateful that you were able to discern the suicidal thoughts from your normal thoughts.