“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”
To make a long story short, while I was steeped in grief and suffering from chronic pain I developed the following physical symptoms:
- fever,
- chills and shivering,
- rapid breathing and severe headache,
- nausea, vomiting and diarrhoea
- low blood pressure and loss of consciousness,
- skin that was pale, cold, and clammy, and
- delirium and/or depression.
Blood poisoning also called sepsis or septicemia can be lethal. It occurs when an infection on the outer surface of the body gets into the blood stream. Patients are treated with high doses of antibiotics and can be hospitalized for several days to weeks. This usually occurs when a person has been on antibiotics for several weeks fighting an infection such as a tooth infection, a urinary infection, etc. a severe cut, or other open wound. Many times these wounds have been infected with the “superbugs” that have been talked about in the news and required large amounts of antibiotics.
I had an untreated infection and I delayed getting medical attention because I was emotionally distraught an preoccupied with other matters. I also have a resistance to some antibiotics including penicillin and finding an antibiotic for me is apparently not that easy.
After the first infection was supposedly cured (untrue) and my tooth was fixed, what finally sent me to the doctor’s office were the symptoms above and, the fact that I witnessed myself as an observer in a semi-delirious state thinking thoughts like my life was not worth living and I should end it all. I witnessed myself thinking about which way was the best way I could use to kill myself; the way that would have the least impact on those around me.
I went to the doctor immediately and the “rush” lab tests came back saying “raging urinary tract infection – do not pass go – do not collect $200 – go to hospital”. Well, I remained at home and in time the new antibiotics did their work.
Now it’s time for me to do the inner work required to address the underlying causes of pain and frustration in my life.
All and all I’m really looking forward to saying goodbye to 2007. Some parts of it were stellar but this last bit has been awful.
How about you? Are you getting ready to say goodbye to the old year and hello to 2008?
Related blog posts:
Back in the game
New theme for a new cycle
adam
December 15, 2007
my 2007 took precisely the opposite turn, with the middle being low, and things being better as of the last month.
I’m sorry to hear how terrible your year has ended up, but I’m grateful that you were able to discern the suicidal thoughts from your normal thoughts.
brightfeather
December 15, 2007
Hi Adam,
I’ve been missing hearing from you. Although the end of the year has been miserable I’ve turned the corner. I’m feeling much better physically and emotionally. Also the mid-year was a special time for me when I made a new friend whom I love dearly so, I won’t be looking back at the suffering part of 2007, instead I’ll be choosing to look back at the joyful and loving part.
I’ve never had suicidal thoughts before and the thoughts were readily discernible as unhealthy and dangerous. The most difficult part was remaining emotionally unattached and just witnessing and honoring the thoughts that went on for 2 days, rather than rejecting them or being sucked into them.
On the third day on antibiotics, the swelling went down in my face and my left ear stopped ringing. Then, because I had not rejected the thoughts I was able to write them down, closely examine them and see exactly where they were coming from.
I live with chronic pain and it takes a lot of energy to maintain a happy state of mind and countenance without the complications of blood poisoned delirium from an abscessed tooth and a raging bladder infection.
Underneath all that pain I found that the suicidal thoughts were coming from the low self esteem associated with being unable to make a living on my own anymore and feeling guilty about becoming dependent on my husband to provide for both of us.
It’s evident to me that I have been defining myself by the work I used to do and by the activities I used to be good at – work and activities that I can no longer take part in. More evident still is that I have been angry – really angry that I’ve been unable to make any concrete changes. And, rather than acknowledging that anger I squashed it down inside me where it turned into depression.
During the upcoming Winter Solstice celebrations I will be celebrating being alive, being aware and being loved. In the new year I will be doing some inner work on redefining who I am and I will be learning how to practice self acceptance.
These things I do know as a consequence of witnessing my own suffering. I’m not the thoughts I think. I’m the thinker. I’m not my work or my achievements either. I’m the worker and achiever. Although I do dwell in my body and illness dwells in there too, I’m not my body and I’m not the illness either. I know this because even if parts of my body were gone or if my senses were impaired I would still be “me”.
It’s true that what I went through these past couple of months was hell and that I’m still fragile, it’s also true that I’m back in the game and that I’m looking forward to the new year.
I value our friendship highly Adam so, please don’t be a stranger email me whenever you feel the urge. And, when we sing our farewell song at our Winter Solstice celebration bonfire I’ll be sending you and M my love.
May the long time sun
Shine upon you,
All love surround you,
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on.
Namaste {she bows}
ian in hamburg
December 16, 2007
This year has been better than 2006 in so many ways. I ditched a couple of very bad habits, a friendship that was anything but, and gained a new hobby – blogging. It’s been fun, and hoping it continues.
brightfeather
December 16, 2007
@ian
Best wishes to you and yours for a merry holiday season and, especially for you, here’s my wish for happy blogging in the new year. :)
Nita
December 18, 2007
Good to hear that you are aware what’s going on with you. You are going to heal just fine. :)
brightfeather
December 18, 2007
@Nita
Thanks so much for dropping in and supporting me through this process. I appreciate it.
Namaste