this time ~ this space

I’d be telling a tall tale if I said I was feeling recovered but day by day I’m getting stronger. The weeping came and went like a storm. Now I’m feeling calm and detached. I’m observing my thoughts and feelings in a friendly accepting way, rather than intensely experiencing or rejecting them.

Memories sparkle like islands in the sea of sorrow. Memories of both happy and sad times. Memories spanning decades of growth and changes.

Painful Questions
Prior to the memorial service, we asked ourselves and one another: ” How can a man who appears to have it all — a job, a loving partner and friends, a home, a future — become depressed? Could or should I have done more to help him?” Following the service we left with the same unanswered questions echoing between our ears.

Complicating attempts to comprehend why he had taken his own life is the widespread but mistaken impression that depression is a woman’s disease that only rarely afflicts men. It’s easy to get sucked into this misconception because, rather than showing classic signs of acute depression the great majority of depressed men express their distress in unexpected covert ways.

Men and Depression
Some depressed men become become irritable, angry and even combative co-workers and family members. Others withdraw from their loved ones and social circles altogether. Still others act irresponsibly taking up gambling and or self-medicating with alcohol, drugs and extra-relational sex. There also those who switch hit back and forth displaying one behaviour today and another tomorrow.

Classic Symptoms
So many friends and family members die of this dis-ease like my friend did. They are young. They are old. They are male and they are female. Their death certificates do not state the cause of death as depression yet, we know what to attribute their suicides too. They lived with feelings of despair and hopelessness; feelings detached from life and those around them; chronic fatigue; feelings of deep sorrow; inability to concentrate or make decisions; changes in eating and/or sleeping patterns; persistent/recurring headaches or frequent gastrointestinal problems; and, persistent thoughts of suicide. They were inconsolably despondent.

Ineffectual Treatment
Worse still, while we ask ourselves what more we could have done to prevent their death — to help them — we are faced with the fact that they had indeed tried it all before they chose to exit life prematurely.

My friend had nearly 5 years of professional therapy aimed at bringing his feelings to the surface. He faithfully took the prescribed drugs. He established and maintained a daily exercise program and, he pursued hobbies and participated in clubs. In short, my friend attempted to develop more constructive approaches to everyday life but, he was unable to “fake until he made it”.

Similar but Different
As I sat in front of my lamp this morning I recognized that among the ties that bound my friend and I so closely together were identification and consequently, empathy. We both survived a terminal illness, we both suffered from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

I also considered what set us apart. We both had therapy but I remained drug free and I used the SAD light. Then I took up aerobics and really enjoyed my classes. He exercised regularly but didn’t enjoy it. My body responded positively to the combination of yoga and aerobics and I began to feel energized again. His body responded to working out at the gym but he didn’t seem to feel an increase in energy level. I also discovered belly dancing and improvisational comedy and I developed the skills to “fake it until I made it”. He did not.

Seasonal Affective Disorder
As many as 10 percent of Canadians may suffer from some sort of seasonal depression caused by sunlight changes commonly referred to as the “winter blues”. Our symptoms include low energy, excessive fatigue and desire to sleep, eating disorders, and even severe depression. These effects are usually caused by what is commonly referred to as a malfunction of the body’s clock.

The treatment is bright light every day and the preferred level of light is about as bright as a spring morning on a clear day. Light therapy is a simple, medically recognized treatment. To learn more, see Seasonal depression, jet lag and light therapy (Canadian Ophthalmological Society).

Research on SAD has shown that it is better to start treatment early in autumn, before the usual onset of symptoms. Light therapy involves the use of a specially designed lamp that delivers 5,000 to 10,000 lux of light. Each day, preferably in the morning, for 20 to 60 minutes, we sit in front of the lamp and enjoy the bright light entering our eyes that provides the therapy.

The light impacts on the retina, the signal is transmitted via the optic nerve, eventually reaching the pineal gland. The pineal gland controls the secretion of melatonin. We don’t stare at the light because it can give us a headache and/or eye strain, instead we do an ordinary task like writing letters, reading or working on our computers, while we are under the light.

Light boxes cost about $200 to $400. You’ll need a 20-60 minute session every morning to ease your symptoms. If you believe you’re prone to seasonal depression, there are other things you can do to take advantage of winter sunlight:

• Spend more time outdoors during the day.
• Put your desk next to a window at home.
• Take advantage of the window in your office (if you have one).
• Buy a light box, and use it while doing a routine activity.

Related blog posts:
She’s Come Undone
Healing a Broken Heart
Women Plus Freedom Equals Happiness