She’s Come Undone
Over the course of the last 4 weeks I have experienced several very disturbing events.
Firstly, a sale that we participate in every year and that usually brings us a substantial amount of income that we rely on did not go as well as past sales. There were simply not near as many customers as there have been in previous years. This means we will have to struggle to survive.
Secondly, my friend and I had a falling out. We had planned a joint get-away vacation for just the two of us but at the last moment she informed me that 3 teenagers would be coming too.
I had been looking forward to sharing the travel expense and a hotel room equipped with 2 queen sized beds with my friend. I had not for a single moment contemplated putting up with a van load of self indulgent loud mouthed teens who would control the music we would listen to, when and where we ate and what we did. Worse still was the announcement that we were intended to all share the same hotel room and I was to share my bed with one of the teens.
My vision of a short vacation did not include 3 teens who continuously bicker, fight with one another and enter power struggles with their mother. I said so and backed out of the vacation. My fiend absolutely freaked out and after screaming at me she refused to talk to me for days on end.
A couple of days later my mother suffered a brain stem stroke and I was standing on pins and needles for days wondering whether I should fly to where she lives or not. In the end, I took over coordinating things for another family member who lives in the same city as my mom. My mom is back in the nursing home and is even more confused and demented than ever before.
Due to the fact my short vacation was canceled and that money could be saved by me taking on a job I hate, loathe and despise I took on the laborious job of doing the year end bookkeeping for our small business. This took almost 2 weeks to complete and it was awful.
My response to the impending first anniversary of the deaths of my beloved horses was to grieve their loss while recalling all the wonderful times we had together for so many years. We no longer have any farm animals and I found myself reminiscing and grieving the loss of our former lifestyle.
Next while multi-tasking on the bookkeeping and volunteering on a forum another friend surprised me. A cyber friend that I communicated with almost every day announced that they were moving households and there would be a delay when it came to getting internet service. The delay was 2 weeks long. Contact was briefly established again and then my friend chose to evaporate into cyberspace, without warning or explanation.
Yesterday, my close friend (not the one mentioned in the paragraph above) committed suicide. I’ve come undone and I’m taking a blogging break.
Nov 14th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Brightfeather - Oh God, that is simply awful. You need to be there for your friend’s family. I know nothing I say here can make anything better, but I hope you get through this intact.
Courage and strength I wish you from across the waters.
Nov 14th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Dear brightfeather, my thoughts are with you and I very much hope that you will be able to cope with all.
This is a phrase from the bible and whilst I do not know what your view of religion and God is, this has always helped me in life.
Nov 14th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
wow. I can’t even imagine. I’m terribly sorry.
Nov 14th, 2007 at 8:40 pm
I am, in my way, praying for you: Holding you in the knowledge that the Presence that you so easily allow to flow through you, that you have blessed me (& countless others) with, now flows TO you and fills all those places in your heart in just the right way.
You ARE loved!
And may you find that you have all that you need within you as you move through these trying days, as you simply BE where you need to be. As you ARE the gift to those who need you.
namaste
Nov 14th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Wow, that’s a lot to deal with in such a short period of time. Blessings to you and your loved ones in this challenging time period.
Love,
Mike
In a boat down a fast-running creek,
it feels like trees on the bank
are rushing by. What seems
to be changing around us
is rather the speed of our craft
leaving this world.
-Rumi
Nov 15th, 2007 at 11:08 am
A close family member of mine committed suicide just over 3 years ago so if you want to talk….
Nov 15th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
I’m so sorry to read this but do know you’re loved.
ella
Nov 15th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
Thank you one and all for caring enough to comment and to send me your love. We have the memorial service yet to go through. Emotions are raw. None of us expected a person half way through life at age 52 would choose to end it so tragically.
Nov 15th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
so very sorry to read what you’ve gone through. hope things will get better for you in time! *hugs*
Nov 16th, 2007 at 4:57 am
Brightfeather I am terribly sorry for what you are going through. I guess these are only words but all I have to give you.
This time will pass. Have faith in yourself and take care of yourself.
Nov 16th, 2007 at 11:25 am
It’s been an amazingly purgingly emotionally difficult time for you, obviously. It is a challenge to help from a distance, other than to hold you in the light, and send you good and healing thoughts, which I do!
Your blogbuds are here for you in spirit.
Nov 16th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Very sorry to hear you’re going through all this. To the friend with teenagers - I think you did absolutely the right thing. A “vacation” with any teen or child would not be a vacation and you’d have loathed it. Good for you for standing up for what is important to you. It’s her great loss and it seems she is less of a friend than you thought. At least now you know.
You’re in my thoughts… be undone…it’s your right. But you will come back together. Of that I’m sure.
Much love. x
Nov 16th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
@sulz
Two people I was close to are gone. One is dead and one is missing in action. Thanks for your hugs. I could sure use lots of them right now.
Nov 16th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
@MusEditions
Thank you for holding me in the light of love. I’m in a pretty dark place right now so seeing the glimmer is important.
Nov 16th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
@britgirl
The truth is that I’m further than I ever have been from opening up in my blog and becoming more personal in my writing. I’m hurting BIGTIME and I’m allowing myself to weep. When I quit weeping I’ll make a choice as to whether or not to continue or to throw in the towel. Right now I can’t think straight so I’m making no decisions.
Nov 16th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
dear brightfeather.
now is the time. take the permission
to stand still (when you can). noticing whatever comes
let it move through you, in you, at you. and notice.
notice where you feel it. how you feel it. what else is going on.
this is, in part, the burning. that purges. and clears. and
opens.
if you do catch yourself pushing it away. well, so notice that.
may you practice “radical acceptance” : unconditional friendliness toward yourself.
just stay inquisitive
Namaste
& that you may have time to process.
Nov 16th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
Brightfeather - You must do whatever you need to do for you, in whatever time you need to do it.
Nov 18th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
@terraflora
I’m using the process that you outline. Thanks for staying the course with me.
@britgirl
Love ya.
Nov 19th, 2007 at 5:29 am
But when you feel better, come back. Or if you think you’ll feel better, come back.
Nov 19th, 2007 at 9:52 am
I posted this at fracas, as a reply to your comment.
I know I’m just an online person, but if cyber hugs could really make a person feel better, you’d be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and all that stuff. I would’ve made the same choice about the trip as you, and I’m so sorry about the other happenings. I don’t have the “perfect words” because no one but you is in your situation, even if they think they are. Just know that I think you’re awesome and inspiring to others.
Making no decisions is a good decision in itself. You deserve time, make no apologies for giving yourself the gift of it.
Nov 19th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
I found you at Fracas’s and love your blog.
This might seem like an odd request, but would you please list your blog at FuelMyBlog.com?
My memory is in worse shape than my bookmarks, and I’d love to add your blog to my friend roll so I can just click on it to come back often.
I think you might be my long lost twin.
Nov 19th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
I am just getting to this post today and am really sorry to hear about everything. Keep your head high like you often do! I actually recommend that even if you stop public blogging, keep a private journal blog where you are the only reader. Best way to think and get through things; at least it works for me anyways! Take care of yourself.
Trent
Nov 20th, 2007 at 10:20 am
@linda,
I’m glad you like my blog. And, I’m sure you can find your bookmarks if your put your mind to it. Thanks for the fuelmyblog invite. I will check into it when I’m feeling up to it. Also having one twin is quite enough thanks. Even though I’m the eldest, I don’t need or want another one but, new friends are always cool. :D
Nov 20th, 2007 at 10:27 am
@trent
Hi there and thanks for dropping in. Life is full of surprises and not all are good ones. But day by day things are looking brighter.
I agree with you about the value of having a private personal blog for working things out in. I do have such a blog on another host. ;)
Dec 13th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
[...] bad news is that I have been very ill. Due to all the other “stuff” going on in my life I was physically and emotionally stressed and not taking care of myself. The suicide of one close [...]
Feb 4th, 2008 at 9:11 am
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