this time ~ this space

Technorati Tags: friendships , internet relationships , relationships

sulz asks: Do you think friendships online work the same way as offline?

Yes, by and large I think they do work the same way. Granted that body language, facial expressions and gestures enhance communication, but talking is the way we let each other into our private worlds. It is the only way you can tell someone else who you are, what you want and why you behave the way you do. Whether that talking takes place face to face or in text is not key to whether or not a friendship will form.

It is key that the other person sees you, treats you, and feels about you, as you would like to be seen, treated, and felt about. To the degree that their view of you is in sync with the view you would like them to have, to that degree you will feel good both about them and yourself.

Correspondingly, if you see them and treat them as they wish to be seen and treated, then they will feel good about you and themselves. And, when both parties to a relationship see the other person and treat them as they wish to be seen and treated, then you have the basic ingredient for friendship.

Are cyber relationships real?

IMHO every relationship, online or otherwise, is real. The fact that we use pseudonyms (usernames) or even constructs as others have pointed out, doesn’t make a relationship any less real. When you interact with someone you are forming a relationship.

Granted, there are many different levels of relationships. We make acquaintances with people chatting at bus stops or in queues. We have colleagues and co-workers whom we do not socialize with outside of work. We have casual sports and club buddies like the men and women I attend yoga, art, music and aerobics classes with. But IMHO “friends” are on a different level. They are a class set apart.

What is a friend?
Someone who…
Accepts you as you are,
Believes in “you”,
Calls you just to say “Hi”,
Doesn’t give up on you,
Envisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts),
Forgives your mistakes,
Gives unconditionally,
Helps you,
Inspires you to be the best you can be,
Is just happy to be with you,
Keeps you close at heart,
Loves you for who you are,
Makes a difference in your life,
Never judges,
Offers support,
Picks you up,
Quiets your fears,
Raises your spirits,
Says nice things about you,
Tells you the truth when you need to hear it,
Understands you,
Values you,
Walks beside you,
Explains things you don’t understand.

Sulz’s question was: How do friendships work online?

Friendships online or offline work the same way

1. One-on-one contact is a prerequisite for friendship building.
2. Building friendships takes time.
3. Friendships require self-disclosure so any friendship has risks.
4. Friends must be flexible.
5. Friendships as well as all other relationships must have limits. You set limits with your friends because you care for them and your relationship with them, not because you don’t.
6. Conflict must be resolved for friendships to continue.
7. Friendships may not last.
8. Friendships can lose importance and die gradually.
9. Some friendships end abruptly with unresolved conflict.
10. The worst enemy of friendships is change by one or both friends.
11. There is usually pain with the loss of friendship.

Defining friendship

Friendship isn’t always easily described. It is said that the Inuit have a hundred different words for snow. Unfortunately, the English language isn’t quite as innovative, though it has vast opportunities to differentiate meaning. Certainly, love is one of those opportunities. And so, too, is friendship.

Instead of different words, however, we’re stuck with simple adjectives. Close friend. Best friend. Childhood friend. Intimate friend. Trusted friend. Beloved friend. But whether you use adjectives or different words, few could deny the nearly infinite meaning in such a simple word.

Friends are special people. We can’t pick our family, and society and mores (and often our own conscience) dictate we select a single mate. But our friends can be as diverse and infinite as the adjectives we choose to describe friendship both online and offline. Our friends, in a very real sense, reflect the choices we make in life.

Between The Miles by Heather Stoop
Because existence can become severe
in one day,
just sense me and I’ll be there.
In the minds eye,
I’m not so far away.
If you hold out your hand,
in the whispers,
I’ll become the zephyr.
and besiege you.
If your eye’s upon the stars,
in the crystalline darkness,
I’ll become the moon.
And the light shall guide you.
If you rest upon the ground,
in the warmth,
I’ll become the grass.
And embrace you.
If you turn outside,
in the wetness,
I’ll become the rain.
An upon your forehead, kiss you.
If you free the air,
in the light of day,
I’ll become the sun.
And smile for you.
Between the miles-
if you need me.
If you need a friend.
Let me be the friend, I want to be.

MusEditions “… as for knowing if we feel close to an online friend, it’s the same way we judge how close we feel to a friend in person. it’s just that feeling you get. whether that feeling is mutual is a different matter, because you can only feel what you feel. of course, if the feeling is reciprocated, that’s great. but if it isn’t, that does not mean you are less of a friend to that person, does it?”

Related blog posts:
Online Communities nurture long-distance relationships
Relationships: Good Ingredients
Relationships and Messages
True Communication is the Opening for Love
Online Relationships: Internet Dating
Are Cyberspace Relationships Underrated?
Eight Suggestions for Improving Your Relationships
Relationships: Transformation and Commitment
All Loners Aren’t Social Misfits